More Than Meets The Eye
by The Muse of Apollo
Summary: A collection of unrelated one shots based on tumblr prompts, and prompts from my head. A lot of angst, some fluff. Send prompts via PM or Tumblr.
1. Chapter 1

Prompt from CastleFanFicPrompts and Anonymous on Tumblr:

47 seconds AU. Castle joins Beckett in the interrogation, she still says the same words.

xxxx

" _You want to know trauma? I was shot, and I remember ever single second of it!"_

The moment the words came out of her mouth she knew she made a huge mistake. How could she say that with Castle sitting right next to her? She'd kept the damn secret for almost a year and now she blurted it out in front of a suspect? He was going to hate her.

Even as these thoughts ran though her mind, she couldn't bring herself to look at her partner.

"I swear I don't remember," Bobby shouted back at her, reminding her to breathe again.

"Fine. Maybe you can sit here and try to remember." She stood up and stalked out of the room, applauding herself on her acting skills. Inside she decided the term freak out wasn't quite strong enough for how she felt.

Castle had followed her out of the interrogation room and immediately walked to his chair, grabbed his jacket and made his way to the elevator bank. He was there before she even realized he was on the move. Seeing him leaving, she rushed towards him, knowing that if he left, she'd never see him again.

"Rick! Please."

"I'm sorry, Kate." He stepped onto the elevator which had arrived moments before and pressed the 'door close' button, but he wasn't quick enough.

"No! You're not going to run away before we talk about this. That's not you."

"No, that's you. How does it feel," he asked brutally.

She nodded. "I deserved that. Of course I did. But don't you even want to know why I lied?"

"What does it matter? If you could lie to me about something like this, what else could you lie about? How am I ever to trust you again, Kate? Tell me! I love you dammit!"

"I lied because I love you too, Rick," she sobbed, just before the elevator doors opened. She dragged him out through the lobby, onto the street, and towards her car.

Once they were both inside, Castle exclaimed, "That is either the dumbest thing I've ever heard or it's the most selfish. You didn't ask me what I thought about it, did you? I think I know why you lied, Kate. I could handle it if it was for a couple months, but it's been almost a year. So you weren't ready! No one is ever ready for true love, it just happens, and then you work towards making a life together. You're not perfect, neither am I. I didn't say the words to you that day expecting you to jump into my bed the next day, Kate. I could have handled anything except what you did. This is…this is unforgivable."

Unforgivable? He couldn't forgive her after everything she had forgiven him for? Didn't she deserve a second chance? Anger flared deep within her. "How dare you! Unforgiveable! Bah! How can you not forgive me, huh Rick? I forgave you didn't I? You looked into my mother's case at the end of our first year together, and then I let you come back. Now you're looking into it again, and I'll forgive you again. Don't give me that look, Castle, I'm a trained detective. I know you're looking into my shooting behind my back, putting yourself and your family in danger. Yet I didn't say anything, because I knew you were doing it for the right reasons. Can't you even think for a minute that maybe I lied to you for the same exact reason? I needed to keep you safe. Safe from the case, safe from me! I was unstable. I would have ruined everything." She was panting by the time her rant ended. She looked away from him out into the street. They hadn't moved once they got into her car, and the enclosed space was getting to her. She needed to breathe, she needed space. Hurling open her car door, she got out and sprinted away from her car just needing to get away.

xxxx

One thing Richard Castle knew for sure was that Kate Beckett was a runner. When things got tough, she'd run away from it. It was just who she was, but he loved her anyways. So he, being the lovable idiot he is, ran after her. Even on his best day, he was never going to catch her, so he settled on just trying to keep her in sight.

When she finally slowed down, he noticed that she had entered the park and sat down on a bench. He could see the tension in her shoulders as she buried her face in her hands, obviously crying.

He came up to her and sat down, not saying anything as he tried to catch his breath. Once he did he said softly, "We're quite a pair, aren't we?"

Kate's head snapped up, shock written plainly on her beautiful face. "Castle? How?"

"I ran after you. Obviously I couldn't catch you, even with your monster heals on you are faster than I am, but I kept you in sight."

"But why? Not enough shouting for you today?"

"I don't know. I think, despite the shouting, that was our most honest conversation ever."

Kate huffed, but couldn't deny it. "So what now?"

Rick sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Do you really?"

"Do I really what?"

"Love me?"

"Yes. Of course I do." Kate smirked, "Do you think I'd have put up with you for this long if I wasn't head over heels?"

Rick laughed. "Touché, Detective. I love you too. Don't you think that might be a good place to start?"

"I…yes, perhaps it is."

"So I guess the next question is, are you ready to go on a date with me? If you're not, I'll wait, but no more lying to each other."

"I'm ready, Rick. I think it's best if we take it slow, but I'm ready. I am sorry for lying to you. I…I guess I just thought that if I lied it might give you time to move on without me. I thought that that was the best possible outcome at the time. I was so broken. I am broken," she corrected. "But I'll fix myself for you."

"Sappy, but nice," he said, turning towards her, grasping her chin in one of his hands and then pressing his lips to hers.

When they finally broke apart, he said, "I love you, Kate."

"And I love you, Rick. Now let's talk about what you've been doing behind my back, shall we?" she asked sweetly.

Rick groaned. This was going to be a long day.

xxxx

 **a.n. If you have a prompt, send it to me via PM or on Tumblr (mattaweber is the UN). I don't do smut, so leave that at the door. Also I prefer ones that can be wrapped up in a single shot. I have way too many multi-chapters right now.**

 **Leave a review and let me know what you think.**


	2. Chapter 2

Prompt from CastleFanFicPrompts and ALifeofRandomness on Tumblr:

During their argument in Rise, he doesn't stop himself from saying "love."

xxxx

It had been three long months. He didn't know if she was alive or dead. He didn't know if she blamed him. He assumed she did because if she didn't she would have called. After all, it was his fault. If he hadn't looked into her mom's case, she wouldn't have been shot.

He had tried to keep on living his life, he had a daughter after all who relied on him. But it was hard. It was like he was going through the motions, just doing things for the sake of doing things. Nothing seemed to matter to him anymore, and it scared the shit out of him. He loved her. She didn't love him back. She blamed him for her shooting, for Montgomery's death. He blamed himself too.

Sitting at his most recent signing, he could barely make himself smile for his fans. It wasn't their fault he was like this. So he did his best.

"Well that makes you my biggest fan," he said to one. The giggle that came out of her at that statement made him want to vomit.

Another fan, another fake smile. And again, and again. He worried his face would be permanently stuck with a fake smile.

Of course, when he heard her voice again, the smile was gone. "And who should I make it out to?"

"Kate. You can make it out to Kate."

He couldn't believe it. Three months of silence. Three months of pure agony, likely on both their parts, and here she was, nervously handing him her book. Rage. Pure unadulterated fury bubbled up inside of him and it took every ounce of will power to keep from hurling the book back at her while yelling at her to get the hell away from him. He might be at fault for her pain, but she was equally guilty of causing his.

So he said nothing. He couldn't cause a scene. He took her book. Signed it, handed it back, and motioned for the next fangirl to step up.

Fake smile intact, he tried to pretend he didn't see her walking away with her shoulders slumped and her head down.

xxxx

Twenty minutes later, he made his way out of the bookstore while thanking the staff. His fake smile faded when he saw Kate Beckett waiting for him not twenty feet away. The anger he had felt earlier returned and his smile faded off his face. He didn't want to talk with her. He wanted to forget her. It would be safer for both of them in the end.

So he walked past her.

"Castle, wait," she shouted, trying to stop him.

"I did. Three months. You ever called."

"Look, I know you're angry…" she started, not looking him in the eyes. Obviously not wanting to see how angry.

"Oh, you're damn right I'm angry. I watched you die in that ambulance, did you know that? You know what that's like? Watching the life drain out of someone you…someone you love?"

He hadn't meant to blurt that out, but he was done hiding his feelings for her, even if they weren't returned. It was time for them to either get together or go their separate ways. There had been too much pain, too much subtext and innuendo, too much anger and resentment. It was time she knew exactly how he felt.

She sobbed and turned away. _Oh, good,_ he thought, _she's running away. Again._

But she didn't. She turned back, tears running down her cheeks. "I told you, I needed some time." Ah, so she was going to ignore his feelings again. He could take the hint. He wasn't an idiot.

"You said a few days, not three months. I didn't have a clue if you were alive or dead. I know it was my fault you were shot, Kate, your boyfriend didn't need to remind me about that for me to know."

"What…what are you talking about, Castle? It wasn't your fault."

He huffed. "It doesn't matter now. It just doesn't. Look Detective, I'm relieved and very happy you're healthy again. But I can't keep doing this. I just can't. One thing I realized these past three months is that you don't feel the same way I do. It should have been obvious to me before, but I was blind." He took a deep breath and prepared himself for his next statement. "I wish you the best of everything, Kate, you deserve it. It was…uh…nice working with you. Goodbye." He wasn't going to cry. Not in front of her. It was over. He was doing this for both of them. He needed to move on. It hurt, but it was the right thing to do.

xxxx

 _What the hell just happened?_ Kate asked herself as she stood there in shock watching the most important person in her life walk away for good. She knew she needed to call out to him, get him to understand how broken she was, ask him to wait for her, anything to make him not give up on her, but she stood there frozen until it was too late. He was gone, and she hadn't stopped him. It was over, and once again, he walked away and it was all her fault.

She turned around, and wiped her face, trying to keep from breaking down on the sidewalk outside the Barnes and Noble.

Not once in the entire three months she was away did she think that he wouldn't forgive her, that he wouldn't be there waiting for her, there to support her until she was ready. It was so unexpected that it had caught her completely off guard. She didn't know what to do, and the tears on her cheeks were apparently not going to stop any time soon.

She started walking, not caring where she was going, barely watching the sidewalk in front of her. Her thoughts were scattered, but there was one voice that shouted above the rest. It sounded suspiciously like Lanie.

 _Girl, I'mma smack you, how dare you be that selfish! Go after him. Fall on your knees and beg him to give you another chance. Talk. With. Him. He'll forgive you, and he'll wait, but he needs to know that there is something there worth waiting for. Tell him how you feel. Use the words, Kate. He needs to hear them, and you need to say them out loud. He's the one, girl, and if you don't fix this you'll regret it for the rest of your life._

She didn't know when Lanie had taken up residence in her head, but Kate knew good advice when she saw it. She flagged down a cab, determined now to grab what she wanted more than anything.

 _Please wait, Castle,_ _I'm coming._

xxxx

He locked himself in his study. He couldn't stand to see the looks of pity being thrown at him by his mother and his daughter. He had been sitting, looking at a blank Word document for over an hour when there was a knock at the office door. He didn't really want to see anyone, but he wasn't going to be rude, especially not to his family. They didn't deserve that.

"Yeah?" he said, maybe too gruffly.

The door opened, and he found that it wasn't Alexis or his mother, but Kate Beckett, the last person on Earth he wanted to see.

"Castle? Can we talk?" She asked in a small voice, stepping into the office.

He closed his eyes, hoping that she was a hallucination. It had happened once or twice, but this time has stone sober. When he opened his eyes, she was still there. _Dammit._

"Talk about what, Detective?"

"Us."

"I think if I had said something like that your response would be 'there is no us.'"

"Well, maybe there should be," Kate said boldly, sitting down on the chair across from his desk.

Well that wasn't what he was expecting.

"Listen, Rick. I know I hurt you," she ran her hand through her hair and looked away from him before continuing, "And I know you'll not forgive me easily, but I think you should know that…that I love you too. And my getting shot and Montgomery's death were not in any way your fault. I don't blame you, okay.

"I'm done hiding from you. I don't know how we're going to do this, or if you even want me anymore, but I know I want to do this. Us. I just hope I'm not too late."

"What about Josh?"

"We broke up the same day I sent you away. I love you. Not him. Never him."

She loved him? Since when? He wanted to ask, but he was also too shocked to say anything. He wanted to be angry. He deserved to be angry. A small part of him just wanted to tell her to go away, never to return. But the part of him that loved her, the biggest part of him, the part that knew he could never get over this woman no matter how hard he tried, knew that he would forgive her and that he wanted to be with her.

He sighed. "You're not too late. I love you too. But what now?"

"Come back to work with me. There was a case the boys were working on. Then tonight, we'll go to dinner. Nothing fancy, I'm still not one hundred percent. And we'll have to take this slow. I'm still broken, Castle, but I know I can't keep taking you for granted. Someday, if I don't take this now, I'll look over at that chair by my desk and you won't be there. I don't want that. You mean too much to me. I can't lose you. I'll be better for you. For us."

For the first time in three months, the smile that graced Castle's face wasn't fake. He knew damn well that she wasn't as ready as she thought she was, but she would try. He loved her, and he knew that she would do whatever it took to convince him that she returned those feelings. It wasn't how he expected them to get together, but it was better than the nothing he'd had the last three months.

xxxx

 **a.n. I don't really care for the ending of this one, it seemed abrupt. I'm not very good at one shots yet, so I'm still learning. Let me know what you think.**


	3. Chapter 3

**a.n. So y'all know that I love angst, but this one is just ridiculous. Kate, as much as I harp on her, would NEVER say the things she says in this story. She's OOC here just because it takes her character traits to the extreme end of the spectrum.**

 **I will also warn you that this ends tragically. WARNING: CHARACTER DEATH. I hate death fics too, but this one just happened.**

 **This is set during the fight scene between C & B in Always (4x23), probably one of my favorite scenes of the entire show. The dialogue at the beginning may be a little off, but it has the basics.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Castle. It's a good thing. You'll agree with me once you've read this.**

 **xxxx**

"How could you do this to me?" She shouted. He couldn't believe she was actually asking him that. How could she not know why he had done this? She had to know, didn't she?

"How could I -? Because I love you, Kate! Every day for the last four years I've brought you coffee just to see the smile on your face. Because you're the most extraordinary, maddening, frustrating woman I've ever met. I love you, Kate, and if that means anything to you, if I mean anything to you, don't do this."

She was silent for several moments before she said loudly, "You love me? Well you want to know what, Castle? I don't love you! How could I after all you've done to me? This case? This case is the most important thing in my life. It is the _only_ reason I do what I do. It's kept me going for fifteen years, and I will solve it.

"This case? This case means more to me than you ever will, can't you understand that? She was my mother! It's my life, Castle, and you've interfered with it for the last time, now get out!" She stalked over to her apartment door, opened it and used her finger to point forcefully in the direction she wanted him to go.

She didn't love him. For the last few weeks, after he had found out about her lie, he had argued with himself over what it meant. At first he thought exactly what she just said, that she didn't love him. That had led to a weekend in Vegas and Jacinda. What a fiasco that was.

Then the zombie case had come up, and then she had agreed to a movie night at his place. He thought that maybe, just maybe, she had a good reason for not telling the truth, and that she might just feel the same way. Now he knew better. The words had come right out of her mouth. _"I don't love you!"_

He stood there staring at her for what must have been at least a minute, before he knew he had to run. He wasn't going to break down in front of her. It wasn't worth it. He pushed past her and rushed out of her building, knowing instinctively that he would never see her again.

Four years. Four damn years he had done everything for her. He'd saved her life over and over again, without any thought to his own wellbeing. He had thought that she cared for him too, loved him even. He was such a fool. He'd waited for her because she had _asked_ him to. Now he wasn't even sure what she was talking about on those swings. What if she hadn't been talking about a relationship with him?

She'd strung him along. For four years. Why had she done that? Why had she been so cruel? He didn't know the answers, and as he got into a cab and gave the cabbie his address, he wasn't sure he wanted to know.

He loved her, but she didn't love him. He knew the truth now.

xxxx

She couldn't believe what had just happened. Every fiber of her being was telling her, screaming at her really, to chase after him. To tell him the truth. Tell him that she did love him, but that she just couldn't be with him.

But she didn't. In the end she knew that what she has done is for the best. It would keep him safe. He shouldn't have been looking into this damn case for her. She wasn't worth it. He had risked his life for her, again and again, and she couldn't let him keep doing it. She loved him too much. She would rather he hate her and live than be dead loving her.

When he had confessed his love for her again, she had taken the out. She knew she had hurt him. She hadn't wanted to, but with the revelation that there was someone else out there who might want her dead, she needed him safe, and he would never be safe with her. So she had told him another lie, and it had hurt both of them.

She would be alone for the rest of her life. She knew that. She had resigned herself to that existence. But he could still find someone. Someone who could love him without putting him in constant danger.

She loved him. And he would never know.

xxxx

 _Four Years Later…_

She hadn't had a good night's sleep in so long, but she knew it was time to get up. But at least this time she had enough time for breakfast and the paper, so she threw on a robe, put in some toast and set up the coffee maker. She waited for the first cup of coffee to get done, while she buttered her toast and grabbed a banana off the rack. Setting the plate at the table, she grabbed a cup and poured some of her life giving liquid into her favorite mug.

As she took a sip of her coffee she made her way to her door to get the paper. Glancing at the headline, Kate knew her life was officially over.

 _RICHARD CASTLE DEAD AT AGE 45._

Her mug hit the floor as the strength left her body. She grasped the paper the collapsed against the doorframe.

He and Alexis had been in a car crash. A young mother had hit them head on while trying to take care of the baby in the back seat. The Castle family had been killed instantly.

She hadn't seen him in four years. After she had officially broke his heart, she had buried herself in her work. She had worked 15 hour days, driving her team as hard as she could. When she wasn't working, she was at home, going over her mother's case. She still hadn't solved it, and she suspected she never would. She knew he had found someone else, but he hadn't remarried. She had selfishly hoped that she was the reason, that maybe he still loved her, but with his death she couldn't believe how unfair even thinking that had been.

For Kate it wasn't until she saw the headline announcing the death of Richard Castle that she truly understood what she had given up. She'd given up her life. She had given up his life. She had failed at living, and she knew deep down that her mother would never forgive her for wasting her life. Wasting her love.

She had loved him, but had chosen selfishly to keep living in a case that she would likely never solve. It would be her cross to bear as she spent the rest of her life wondering _if only._

xxxx

 **a.n.2. Really sorry about that ending. It was either kill him off or have him get married. I've done the married to another thing before, so I tried this instead. The one thing I knew was there was no coming back from her telling him she didn't love him.**

 **If you can, leave a review. Even hate as I know there will be some.**


	4. Chapter 4

**a.n. For not liking them that much, I sure do like writing them. WARNING: DEATH AND ANGST AHEAD.**

 **Also I didn't have a chance to proof this one as thoroughly as I would have liked, so if there are errors, I apologize.**

 **xxxx**

Disclaimer: Obviously not.

Prompt this time at the end.

xxxx

She was giving him a chance, and in the end she was glad. He'd stayed for her, and he deserved to have the chance. She liked him, she really did.

So they had spent the weekend at a Bed and Breakfast, and had a wonderful time. It had been nice to get away after the freezer and the bomb incident. It was also nice to get away from her partner. She knew she had come very close to telling him how she really felt.

 _I just want to say how much I l…_

Even now, a few days later, as she made her way into the precinct, she couldn't figure out if she would have meant it had she actually said the words. Kate knew she had feelings for her partner and had been fighting them, but she also knew that it was probably for the best. So when Josh had suggested a weekend away, she had jump at the chance. Anything to get away from the heartbroken look of her partner as he made his way out of the precinct.

Kate sat down at her desk and booted up her computer. As usual she was the first person in the bullpen. Checking her email, she discovered several odd emails.

 _ **Condolences on your loss.**_

 _ **Sorry for your loss.**_

Loss? She hadn't lost anyone as far as she knew. She opened up the first one.

 _Dear Detective Beckett,_

 _I wanted to send along my condolences for the loss of your partner. While he wasn't a cop, we all know how much you've enjoyed having him on your team these last couple years. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you in this trying time._

 _Sincerely,_

 _Captain Marcus Davenport_

Kate scowled. This had to be some kind of joke, right? Castle had been fine when he had left the precinct. Sure he looked heartbroken, but he would have gotten over it sooner or later.

Kate went to the web browser on her computer and googled Richard Castle's name. Her fingers shook as she clicked on the first news link.

 _ **Richard Castle Dead at Age 43. Drunken Driver to Blame.**_

She read the article. It was from the _New York Times_ so she knew it wasn't a hoax. He was dead. Castle was dead. Her partner. The man she…the man she had chosen not to love.

Tears started to fall down her cheeks. She knew that she would regret not telling him how she felt for the rest of her life. He had meant everything to her, and he hadn't even known.

xxxx

 _Two Weeks Later…_

It had been a huge funeral. Castle had been a popular man with contacts, friends, and fans all over the world. Kate had been as supportive of his family as she could, remembering her promise to be there for Alexis.

She had broken it off with Josh, even if it was too late to matter. She didn't deserve to be happy now. She knew that.

There had been dozens of eulogies.

" _Richard Castle was one of the best writers you could ever know. His words inspired many, helped many, and meant a lot to more people than you could ever imagine."_

On and on it went. People praising his accolades as a writer, philanthropist, and all around nice guy. To Kate it seemed too impersonal. So when it was her turn, she knew what she had to do.

"Rick Castle was my best friend, but he didn't know that. He helped me before I even knew him with his writing. He was there for me when I treated him like he wasn't worth my time or energy. He saved my life by risking his own.

"He saved this city not too long ago. He may not have been a cop, but he was a hero. He was my hero." She wiped away the tears that were still flowing down her cheeks. She wondered if she was ever going to stop crying. "He was an amazing partner. He was an amazing father and son. Richard Castle always called me extraordinary, even when I couldn't see it myself. But in truth, he was the extraordinary one. He didn't let many people see his real self, but once you did, you realized that he was one of the most extraordinary people you could ever meet."

She turned to the giant picture of Castle that sat on an easel. She kissed her fingers and pressed them to the lips of the picture. "I love you Rick. And I always will. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you."

She went to sit back down next to Alexis, hoping she could make it to her seat before she broke down completely. There had been so much she wanted to say. In the end there weren't enough words. Not enough time.

She loved him. And he would never know.

xxxx

When Kate woke up, she looked around, trying to shake away the cobwebs. It hadn't been a restful night's sleep at all. She rotated so she was on her back, but was blocked when she felt another body behind her. She froze.

What had she done? Castle was dead, and now she was bringing home a strange guy? How could she do this? She, of course, had done it before. When her mother died, she had used sex to hide away, bury her feelings and grief. She cursed herself for doing it again.

She extricated herself from the grasp of the man behind her and steeled herself so she could send him packing. She turned around almost fainted.

Richard Castle was in her bed. Naked too.

"Hmmm, Beckett. Come back to bed."

How was he here? He was dead. Kate grasped her phone and looked at the date. It was the day after the bomb scare.

It took her almost two minutes to figure out what had happened. It was a dream. The weekend away with Josh. Castle's death. The funeral. All a dream. _Oh, Thank god!_

It took her another minute to remember what had happened. She had broken up with Josh and ran after Castle. They'd had dinner, and then…and then, wow. They'd made love. From the feeling between her legs, she could tell it had been more than once too.

She smiled. Joyous relief washed through her. She could tell him the truth. She could say the words. She wouldn't have to live a life of regret.

She leaned down and kissed him. She needed him again, if only to prove that he was still here, that he was still hers.

When they had finished another round, and were both breathing hard, she turned to him, put her hand on his cheek, looked him in the eyes and said the words she knew she would always mean with every fiber of her being. "I love you Richard Castle. I love you so damn much."

xxxx

 **Prompt from CastleFanFicPrompts and gostopow on Tumblr.**

 _Season 3 AU Tragedy. Set at the end of Countdown, Beckett and Castle have missed their chance, Seeing how Kate decided to give her and Josh another shot - he takes her away for the weekend. When she returns to the precinct she receives heartbreaking news. Castle was killed, when the cab he was riding in after leaving the precinct, was struck by a drunk driver._

xxxx

 **a.n.2. So I wasn't really going to kill him off again.**

 **Hope you liked it. Send along a review if you did!**


	5. Chapter 5

**a.n. Another prompt. I should also say that you should read my profile to check on the status of my other fics. I've decided to do some rewrites, so several of them are missing.**

 **Prompt from CastleFanFicPrompts on Tumblr:**

 _4x02 AU ending-After witnessing the sweet moment between Hastings and her boyfriend and the slight awkward moment that ensues, Castle and Beckett both get on the elevator to go home at the same time rather than separately. Beckett's feeling brave and ends up kissing him like Hastings did her guy._

xxxx

She had been gathering her courage for months, and this was her chance. As they stood there watching Hastings and her boyfriend kiss while the elevator doors shut, she knew that this was her chance. She knew that he was comparing the couple in the elevator to their situation. She knew she was. _A Writer and his Muse_ , he said _._ She smiled and planned. It was time. She was ready.

An hour later when they were both ready to leave, she made sure to get in the elevator with him.

"You know it could be us, right?" She asked.

"What do you mean?"

Kate hit the stop button on the elevator, then turned to him. She reached up, grabbed the collar of his shirt and pressed her lips to his. It was everything she knew it would be and more. Every cliché that she had ever heard about a kiss flew through her mind, and she knew, she just knew, that it beat every single one of them. It was so much better than their undercover kiss. She moved her body closer to his and moved her hands behind his neck to run her fingers through his hair. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her even closer, causing her to moan at the contact.

Deepening the kiss, she ran her tongue across his lips, seeking entrance. They kissed for several minutes, both enjoying it immensely.

When they finally pulled back, she looked into his glazed blue eyes and knew that this was where she belonged. His arms were home. She was done fighting. She loved him, and she would spend the rest of her life proving it to him.

"Wow, Beckett, that was…amazing," he said.

She chuckled. "Yeah."

"I…I thought we were waiting. I thought…"

"I'm done waiting, Rick. I want you. I…I love you. I'm ready."

His eyes brightened and he pressed his lips to hers again. "I love you too," he said when they pulled apart again. "So much."

"Come on," she said, letting go of him and pressing the button to restart the elevator, "we can get some dinner and…talk," she added with a saucy wink.

xxxx

"Just like us…" he said, snapping her out of her day dream. She watched resignedly as Hastings and her boyfriend kissed. She knew it had only been a day dream, something she wished she had the courage to do for real. It was hard to hide her disappointment and self-loathing. She was so sick of this. She was sick of not being enough for him. She was sick of not getting what she wanted, what they both wanted. She was sick of not being ready.

"Yeah," she whispered uncomfortably. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

She looked at him just in time to see the disappointment on his face. She wanted nothing more than to wipe that look off his face, but she wasn't ready. She was still broken and he deserved better than a broken Kate Beckett.

"Yeah, tomorrow," he replied, obviously trying to keep his voice steady. He gave her a brief smile that didn't reach his eyes then made his way towards the stairs.

One day soon, she would have the courage to kiss him, to tell him how much she loved him, how much she wanted to be with him. One day soon. For now, she needed to fix herself. Because he deserved better.


	6. 6 - Choose Me

**a.n. So 'theputz913' asked for something from season 8. This is probably not what they were hoping for. Prepare for angst.**

 **To the guest reviewer who said the angst is getting old, my response to you is to not read it then. It's what I do. I don't do fluff that much. There are a lot of authors that do that, go read their stuff.**

 **Disclaimer: DO NOT OWN CASTLE.**

 **xxxx**

He didn't know why he was even bothering. Sure he loved her, and he always would, but was it worth it? This wasn't the first time she had caused him this sort of pain. Hell, it wasn't even the second time. Over and over again she stomped on his heart like it meant _nothing_ to her. Oh, he knew she loved him, he could see it in her eyes. But it didn't seem she loved him enough.

It'd been eight months since she left. He'd spent the first three months trying to 'win' her back. He thought that if he could show her that he'd always be there for her, and that he would always love her, _always,_ that she would come home, where she belonged. But she hadn't. In fact, she had started to push him away even further, making it harder for him to take part in cases, or to talk to the boys at the precinct. He'd even been so desperate to get near her that he'd taken up with Ethan Slaughter again. That had been a fiasco from the start.

After those three months he tried less and less to be near her. It just hurt too damn much. Alexis had been great, though he didn't really think she understood. She had been reluctant at the beginning of his and Kate's relationship, and it looked now as if she had been proved right all along. But she still supported him. It took those three months for Alexis to finally ask a simple but hard to answer question:

 _Is it worth it?_

Now that it's been eight months, he was pretty sure he knew the answer. He hadn't even spoken to her in more than two months, and that was only because she had needed him to send her some of her things from the loft. The conversation reminded him of the cold conversations they'd had when he first started shadowing her. It was like she didn't care, or had shut all of her emotions off.

No. He knew the answer. No matter how much she loved him, no matter how much she proclaimed to _want_ to be with him, she didn't love him enough. It wasn't worth it. The hurt he had suffered through the last eight months was almost physical in its manifestation. It was like he was missing half of himself. No matter the love, or the devotion he had for her, it just wasn't worth it any longer.

It took him a week to organize the papers. He had changed is mind three times in that week, but he had finally buckled down, knowing it was the right thing to do. The papers would be delivered within hours of him signing them. His third marriage. Over before it really even began. He loved her, but she didn't love him enough to stay with him. He really should have seen it coming.

xxxx

Kate was sitting in her month-to-month apartment after a long day at work when there was a knock at the door. Groaning, she got up and answered it after checking the peephole.

"Can I help you?"

"You've been served," the man said, thrusting a packet in her hand and walking away. She'd been served?

Wondering what kind of official documents were in the packet she took them into the sparse living room and sat back down on the couch.

Her hands were shaking and the tears were running down her face after she had got done reading. Castle had filed for divorce. It wasn't surprising really. It'd been eight months. He'd tried at first, of course, but that had only hurt her more. She couldn't bear to see the hurt yet hopeful expression on his face every time he saw her. So she had pushed him away. She had put every barrier she could to keep him away from the cases.

He'd tried to worm his way back in for three months. After that he'd stopped and that had hurt her even more, but she didn't blame him. He had given up. It surprised her that it took eight months for the papers to come, if she were being honest.

The problem was that the case wasn't anywhere near being solved. She suspected that it might take her _years_ to get to the point where she could be with him again. It was almost like the time right after she and been shot, only this time it wasn't her that was keeping them apart, it was this damn case.

She just wanted to keep him safe. She loved him too much to put him this type of danger. They'd go after him and then she'd be left alone in this world for real. Of course, she was alone now, but at least he was alive.

The tears kept flowing though. To see the proof that he had given up, that he no longer _wanted_ her was hard. It was so hard, because she knew that if she signed the papers they would be done for real. There would be no second chance this time. This WAS her second chance, and she was in the process of blowing it. Perhaps she had already blown it.

xxxx

When he opened the door, she could tell he hadn't checked the peephole first because he was shocked to see her. It was only there for a moment, though, because it was soon replaced with rage.

"What do you want Beckett?"

God how she wanted to answer how she had the last time he had asked that question. _You. I just want you._ But this was different. This wasn't the beginning of them. This might be the end, and kissing and sex wasn't going to make it all better this time. No simple "I'm sorry, Castle, so sorry," was going to help.

"What are these?" She spat out, thrusting the divorce papers in his face.

He looked at them. "What do you think they are, Kate? They're divorce papers. It seems pretty obvious to me."

"You want a divorce?"

She could tell he was trying to control his temper, but was failing. This wasn't the happy-go-lucky man child she had fallen in love with. "Yes, I want a divorce," he grounded out.

"I thought you…I…why?"

"Why?" he asked, incredulously. "Why? YOU LEFT ME! THAT'S WHY! You walked away. You say you love me Kate, but you don't. If you did you wouldn't have left. You wouldn't have _lied_ to my face, _again._ Once again you're putting a case in front of everything. It's almost like I mean _nothing_ to you. The moment a big case comes along, it's bye-bye Castle. NO MORE! I can't stand it," he screamed. "I love you too damn much, Kate, and it just isn't working because you don't love me as I love you."

It was hard for her to control the sobs the threatened to rack her body. "You're wrong," she whispered, frantically wiping away the tears.

"Then prove it, dammit. Come home where you belong. Tell me the damn truth about what you've been doing. I deserve to know. Come home. Be my wife again. _Choose me!_ "

"I do." She kissed him then. Their first kiss in over eight months. She did choose him. She couldn't do this anymore. She had no life with out him, no reason to live. Yes, she wanted to keep him safe, but his happiness was important too. She had forgot that in her haste. It took a moment, but he eventually kissed her back. She had missed this. She had missed him.

When they finally broke apart, she whispered, "I'm coming home. I choose you, Rick. I choose you."

xxxx

 **a.n.2. I thought about an unhappy ending, but even with Kate's constant BS, I still want them together.**

 **Read and Review!**


	7. 7 - More Than Enough

**a.n. Thanks for the reviews. No prompt this time, just something that has been kicking around in my head for the longest time. It has taken me months to get this to a point where I like it enough to post it. Still not sure on the ending. It could have ended so many ways.**

 **For plot purposes, this takes place as the episodes originally aired in the US, set during The Squab and the Quail. In other words, Still will not have happened during this one-shot. I may have the order messed up in my head, whatever it actually was, Still has not happened yet in this AU.**

 **Disclaimer: it seems obvious to us all that I don't own Castle.**

 **xxxx**

He felt really bad for ignoring her in favor of a video game. He knew he was taking her for granted, and he wanted to change that. This case though was pissing him off. It was fairly obvious that she found Eric Vaughn attractive, which to Castle was ironic. The man was just a richer version of the womanizing jackass Castle himself had portrayed in the early part of their partnership.

So he decided that he was going to do something nice for her while she was stuck babysitting said jackass. He grabbed the spare room key to their room from Esposito, who was scoping out the street below the hotel, and made his way to their top floor room.

He had brought coffee, a red rose, and the manuscript of his latest Nikki Heat novel. He hadn't ever let her see something this early in the writing process, so he knew it would mean a lot to her.

He quietly put the room key in the electronic mechanism and opened the door. Not one thing could prepare him for what he saw next. His girlfriend of almost a year had her lips firmly attached to another man. The coffee in his right hand dropped on the floor, spreading all over and ruining his shoes. He didn't care. How could she do this? She was even kissing back!

The coffee hitting the ground broke the two apart. Kate spun around to see who had entered the room only to find Castle staring in shock at them.

"Castle!" Before she could say anything else two bullets exploded through the window, luckily missing everyone in the room. Her training kicking in she pushed Vaughn to the floor, then looked to where Castle was standing. Or more accurately where he had been standing. Instead of finding her boyfriend and partner, she just found empty space. Castle was gone.

xxxx

It took more than two hours to clear the scene and set up some alternate protection for Eric Vaughn. Protection that wasn't her. She couldn't believe she had let him kiss her, but what was worse; she couldn't believe she had kissed him back. And Castle had caught them. She had cheated on Castle.

She had been distancing herself in their relationship over the pat few weeks, ever since Meredith had talked with her about why her and Castle's marriage had failed. She knew she should have talked about it with Rick, but she was scared. She had tried the previous night to make things better, but he had ignored her with that damnable video game. That, along with the smooth talking, handsome and rich Eric Vaughn had lowered her defenses enough to where she may have just made the biggest mistake of her life.

She had to get him back. Tell him it meant nothing. Beg him for forgiveness. Anything to just make him see how much she loved him, even if she hadn't done a good job of showing it, or even saying the words yet.

The first place she looked after she had finally gotten out of the precinct was the loft. Martha hadn't seen him since he had left the loft to be with her at the hotel. Martha said he had felt guilty about the video game fiasco and had wanted to make it up to her.

"Didn't you see him when he came by?" Martha asked.

"Yeah. I saw him."

"What happened? Don't give me that look Katherine; I've been a mother for too long. I know when something is off. Now tell me."

"I…" How could she even go about telling Martha that she had technically cheated on her son? "I've been feeling insecure about our relationship for weeks," Kate started, thinking it would be best if she started from the beginning. "Meredith told me how their marriage ended, and why she felt that she didn't know enough about Castle while he knew everything about her, and I just freaked. Then the whole video game thing happened last night. Now we're working this case where I was assigned as protective detail, and I guess it just all got to me. I let the man I was supposed to be protecting kiss me, and Castle walked in and saw us doing it." By this time she was crying, despite her efforts to hold back the tears.

Martha sighed. "I hate to break it to you, kiddo, but Meredith lied to you about the end of their marriage."

"What do you mean?"

"Their marriage didn't end well. Alexis was three months old, and Meredith was never going to be a good mother. Richard was trying his best to be a full time dad and keep his writing on schedule. One night after a full day of meetings, Richard came home to find Alexis alone in her crib, and Meredith screwing her director in their bedroom. Needless to say, the marriage was over after that."

 _Oh, no! What have I done?_ Kate asked herself. She let out a loud sob and doubled over, trying mightily to keep from emptying her stomach.

"What do I do?" she asked Martha through her tears.

Martha shook her head. "I don't know. He's went through so much to be with you Kate. He suffered so much for four years, fighting to get you to see him for who he is, to get you to love him. I think he may see this as the ultimate betrayal. You should talk to him now, though. You can't let it fester or you'll not be able to fix this at all."

She knew Martha was right, but she knew deep down that Castle could never forgive her for doing this to him, especially after he had been cheated on before. But she had to try. "Do you know where he'd be?"

"Probably at The Old Haunt, but that's my only guess. I'll try to call him. If he answers, I'll text you and let you know."

"Thanks Martha." Kate stood up and rushed to the door. Before she could open it all the way, Martha's voice stopped her.

"You need to tell him, Katherine."

"What?"

"Tell him you love him. He hasn't heard the words from you yet. He needs to. Your task will be making him believe you after what you've done."

With that, Martha disappeared up the stairs, leaving a distraught detective standing at the door.

xxxx

When she entered _The Old Haunt_ , she asked the bar tender if he had seen the boss.

"Castle in his office?" she asked.

"He is, Detective, but he asked not to be disturbed," Brian said while filling a glass for a patron.

"It's urgent, I'll take care of it, okay?" Not bothering to wait for a reply, she rushed to the trap door, flung it open, and made her way down the stairs. As she got close to her destination, her courage started to fade. She knew, she absolutely knew in her heart that the end of the best relationship she'd ever had waited for her on the other side of the door.

She took a deep breath, knowing there was nothing she could do other than hope for the best, then opened the door leading into his office. She remembered all the times they had been down here together, both wanting a private place where they could talk or hang out without the worries of the precinct, family or his writing. They'd even made love right there on his desk. It had been one of the most passionate nights of her life, one that she would never forget.

He was sitting behind that desk now, his head resting on crossed arms, his shoulders shaking.

"Rick?" she asked quietly.

His head popped up, and her heart broke at the tears streaming down his face. She had done this to him, and she didn't even know why.

He didn't say anything for the longest time, he just stared at her, obviously trying to get his emotions under control. Kate sat down in the chair in front of his desk, not having a clue as to how to fix the mistake she had made.

"What are you doing here, Kate? Don't you have to be with Vaughn?"

She shook her head. "No. I…uh…came to see how much you hate me. I'm so sorry, Rick, so damn sorry…"

"I don't hate you."

An awkward silence followed, neither knowing what to say or how to fix what was so obviously broken.

After a moment, Castle's face changed. The sadness and tears fading away, replaced by anger and disbelief. "I don't hate you, Kate. That's the damn problem. I love you, yet you don't love me. I've said the words now to you six times. Every time, except that first time, I've expected you to say them back. But you haven't.

"You haven't said the words. And then tonight, you kiss another man. What is it, Kate?" His voice rising, as he got angrier and angrier, "was it that he's richer than I am, handsomer? It took you four years to finally kiss me. It took you eight hours to kiss him.

"No. I don't hate you. But I want to."

She let out a sob. "You're wrong," she whispered. "I do love you."

"Yeah? Well you have a great way of showing it," he snapped, leaning back in his chair.

"I'm sorry."

Castle took a deep breath and looked away from her. "I'm sorry too," he said in a softer voice. "I'm sorry that I'm not enough for you. I'm sorry that I took our relationship for granted. I'm sorry that I didn't keep pushing you. I'm sorry that I pushed you into this relationship that you never wanted in the first place. I'm sorry too."

They sat in silence for a long while. Kate couldn't stop the tears flowing down her cheeks. She wanted to fix this, but she didn't know how. She loved him, she did. She still didn't know what had come over her when she kissed Vaughn. All her insecurities had just been adding up, and it had happened. She had no excuses. How could he ever forgive her for that? Maybe it was just best for them to go their separate ways. He could get over her, and she could spend the rest of her life alone. It was what she deserved. He deserved so much more than what she could give him. She couldn't even say the words until it was too late. She loved him. She loved him enough to let him go.

With that thought she got up from her chair, gave him one last sorrowful look and said, "Goodbye, Rick. I do love you, but you're better off without me. All I do is hurt you, and I don't want to do that anymore." Then she left. It was over. Their _always_ hadn't lasted very long. And it was all her fault. But she could do this for him. She could make the break easier for him. She loved him. Now she was going to let him go.

xxxx

Her apartment was lonely. She had hardly been spending any time there. The loft was her home now. Or at least it was. Now it almost felt like she was homeless. She sat on her couch, nursing a glass of water. She had wanted something stronger to drink, but she wouldn't go down the route her father had, no matter how tempting it was.

She had finally stopped crying an hour before. It wasn't that she wasn't still sad. She was just out of tears. She didn't know when her life had gotten so complicated. Five years before she was content. She wasn't happy, of course, but content. She went to work every day, solved murders, and then went home to her books and her bath tub. Then he had shown up.

God, she had hated him at first. Not really because of how he acted, but because he was so _different_ than she had expected him to be. His writing had saved her, and she had often times fantasized about meeting the real him. The man that had shown up at her precinct wanting to shadow her wasn't what she had built up in her mind.

It had taken a while, but she had come to terms with their…partnership. Even after he had looked into her mother's case behind her back, she had taken him back because she liked having him around, not that she would have admitted it at the time. She'd had the perfect opportunity to get rid of him forever, and she had welcomed him back after one sincere apology.

By the time they were halfway through their second year together, she knew she was falling for him. He'd been showing her the man behind the mask, the real him. The father. The son. The writer she had loved since she was 19 years old. And it had scared her. So when Demming had shown up, she had used him as an escape. She had distanced herself from Castle. Even now she was disgusted with how she had pushed Castle away, even from a professional standpoint. She had started to treat him like she had when he had first entered her life, when in fact she had loved him.

Of course, she hadn't really realized how much she loved him until he was walking away with his ex-wife. It had been too late for her then. So she had buried the feelings of love, met Josh, and promised herself that she was done with Richard Castle. Of course, that had been a lie. She'd taken him back again, even with another golden opportunity to get rid of him forever.

She'd come close to telling him how she felt several times during their third year. Once after that kiss in the alley. Once in the freezer when she knew she was going to die. And once during their fight before Montgomery's death. She'd even tried several times to get him to tell her how he felt. She'd hoped that it would make her confession of love easier. But he hadn't wanted to push her. Maybe he was afraid of rejection, not that she could blame him. She had never given him any real hints that she had felt the same, even if she had.

But he had told her. Eventually. It hadn't been the greatest timing. As she lay there dying from a gunshot wound, he had told her he loved her. Then she lied to him about it for a year.

It had taken her almost dying again to get her to go to him and start a relationship. She had meant to say the words then. She had meant to tell him how she had felt about him for two long years, and how she loved him more each and every day. But she hadn't, and for a while it had been fine, great even. But she couldn't bring herself to say the words.

Now she was paying the price for her insecurities. She had been worried that he would get sick of her. The video game incident had given her proof that he was already walking that path. Meredith's words had stuck in her head, and instead of talking to him about it, she had distanced herself, and then kissed another man.

It was all over now. She would spend the rest of her life wondering if only. If only she had told him sooner just how much he had meant to her.

Kate was brought out of her spiraling cycle of despair by a knocking at the door. She slowly got up and made her way to the door only to find an enraged Richard Castle standing on the other side. Once the door was open, he pushed past her.

"Castle? What the hell?"

"NO! Stop. Just don't speak for a minute." He took several deep breaths. "You don't get to do this to me, Katherine Beckett. You don't get to make this decision. Yes, you fucked up. You cheated. But you don't just get to walk away because you think it's the right thing to do. NO!"

"Well what the hell do you want me to do," she yelled back, slamming the door shut. "You want me to wait patiently so you can end it all? I was making it easy for you."

"I wasn't going to end it at all, dammit!"

What? "What?"

He took a step towards her and put his hands on her shoulders. "I love you, Kate. More than I probably should. I don't want this to end. With Meredith, I didn't care. With Gina, when it ended, I was relieved. I let Kyra run away from me and I didn't chase after her and I regretted it until I met you. I will NOT allow you to run away from this.

"We need to work out our problems. They're big ones for sure. But I have faith in us, Kate. I do. I love you," he sighed. "And if you love me, and it's enough for you to work through this, then I can forgive you. But we need to be better for each other. I know that part of what happened was my fault. So we work together. We've always been better as a team than we are on our own. Let's do this together."

The damn tears were back. She collapsed into his arms, hugging him like her life depended on it. It did depend on it. She loved him and her life wasn't worth living if he wasn't there with her. She knew that now. She had messed up. But if he really wanted her, then she would give it her all. She loved him. He loved her. Hopefully that would be enough to get them through this.

xxxx

 _Seven years later…_

FBI Special Agent Katherine Beckett slipped out of her shoes after closing the door of the loft she had lived in for six years. It had been a long damn day, and her feet were killing her. And she needed food desperately.

She wondered into the kitchen and looked in the refrigerator. Pulling out some left over spaghetti, she popped it into the microwave then walked into the bedroom that lay off the office. She smiled as she saw her husband curled up on the bed, snoring softly. Her smile widened when she noticed the little girl lying next to him. Castle had always been a softy. No matter how many times she had told him not to let Kaylee sleep in their bed, he still let her.

She took off her blazer and then proceeded to get into her pajamas. When she stepped back out of the bathroom after washing her face and putting her hair up into a ponytail, she looked at her family again.

The last six years had been the best of her life. It had taken them time to be better for each other. A few weeks after their talk, she had gotten an offer to interview for a position with the FBI. After talking with Castle about it, she had taken the interview, and then the job. They had lived in DC for six and a half years. It had been hard at first, but they had figured it out. They still went back to New York every couple months to see Martha and Jim. Alexis had moved to DC after graduating from Columbia, and had gotten a law degree from Georgetown. She now lived in San Diego with a husband of her own.

In a way the new job and the new town had given them their new beginning. It was a fresh start away from New York, and it allowed them to put the hurts of the past behind them. He had proposed a year after their move, and she had said yes.

Kaylee was born a year later. Kate didn't get to spend as much time with her daughter as she would have liked, but she felt like she was a good mom. Her life was good. She'd almost ruined it. But in the end, their love was enough.

xxxx

 **a.n.2. A happy ending. I needed it after some of the angsty stuff I've written lately.**

 **Read and Review!**


	8. 8- Boyfriend

**a.n. I abandoned the story** _ **Boyfriend**_ **a few months ago, and several people asked for me to finish it. This is that ending that was asked for. As I pulled the original, what I've done is put it all into this extraordinarily long one-shot. Most of the first 10,000 words are the same, but I've made some alterations to make it better. So if you've read it before, you don't want to skip to the end.**

 **Now. This is set mid-season 4, pre-47 seconds, but after Cops & Robbers. The case I have them finishing at the beginning of the fic is entirely a figment of my imagination. Also, this will be one of the few fics that I write that will be truly mixed perspective, in other words, you'll see me switching back and forth between Rick's POV and Kate's POV. I will try to make it plain who is doing what. **

**I should also say that later in the story there will be a very slight crossover with NCIS-LA. I'm just borrowing one or two of their characters. You don't need to watch that or read the fanfic for that to understand what's going on here.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Castle, a fact that we should all be happy about.**

 **xxxx**

They had just finished one of their biggest case of the year. A low level mob boss had taken umbrage with several of his minions and had systematically culled the ranks of his associates with bullets to the back of the head.

They'd caught the guy, and were celebrating outside the 4th floor elevator when it opened and a handsome man stepped out and headed in their direction. Castle at first didn't pay him much attention as he, as per usual, only had eyes for Kate. They were laughing at a particularly crude joke that Esposito had spewed out moments before when the man from the elevator came up behind Beckett and put his arms around her waist.

Shocked for a minute, Kate looked back at the man. She relaxed when she saw who it was, a slight blush coloring her cheeks. Castle, wondering who this guy could be, scowled at the intimate nature of the gesture.

Kate turned back, now avoiding Castle's eyes, and said, "Guys, I'd like you to meet Rob, I guess you could call him my boyfriend." She kept talking for a few moments, but Castle's brain had shut down when she had called this…this man her boyfriend.

 _I thought I was waiting for her,_ his brain said when it finally kicked into gear again. _She said that she couldn't have a relationship until we solved her mom's case. I thought she meant me._ He knew that his inner voice was whining, but he was completely shocked. Their relationship had grown a lot closer since she had come back from her shooting. He could have sworn that he had seen love in her eyes when she had come into the bank after the explosion. He must have been wrong.

After greeting the man who was apparently dating _his_ Beckett, he made his excuses and headed out of the precinct. He couldn't stay there any more, watching as she leaned into the arms of another man. How could she do this to him? Did he mean so little to her?

His only conclusion was that she must not feel the same way. _She must not love me. I must have read it all wrong_. To say his heart was breaking would have been an understatement. After walking through the precinct doors, he wandered aimlessly through the streets of New York City, wondering where in his life he'd gone wrong. Apparently there was no one that could love him.

xxxx

She hadn't exactly wanted Castle and Rob to meet. After she had dragged her new 'boyfriend' out of the precinct, ignoring the looks from Esposito and Ryan, she had lit into the man. "What were you thinking coming into the precinct? I told you I was going to come pick you up tonight!"

"I just wanted to surprise you," Rob said, taking her hand and leading her to the curb to call a taxi. "Why does it matter?"

 _Why does it matter? Because Castle loves me, and now I'm rubbing another relationship in his face,_ Kate thought bitterly. She had met Rob soon after the sniper case, when she had started to drink rather heavily. She'd needed a release, someone who she didn't have to talk to, someone so unlike the caring loving Richard Castle, so she had picked up Rob one night in a bar, taken him home and screwed his brains out. She had meant it only to be one night, but she had called him the next night and they had a repeat performance. And the next night. Now they'd been 'dating' for two weeks and she was stuck. She loved Castle, but was too much of a coward to tell him, and now she was in a relationship with another man, if she even called it that. If she were honest with herself, she was using Rob for sex.

"It matters, Rob, because I wasn't ready for you to meet my team. I like to keep my personal and professional life separate."

"I'm sorry, babe. I didn't even think about it, it just seemed like something to do."

Kate grunted as the taxi made its way to her apartment. She had no idea what she was going to do now. She had been working diligently with Dr. Burke to get her shit together so she could one day be with Castle. She felt like shit knowing she was keeping her man waiting, but she needed to be whole before she could start anything with him that would last. Now that he knew she had begun 'dating' again, he'd stop waiting and think she didn't have feelings for him. He'd leave and she'd never see him again. Kate could feel the panic attack starting. _If he leaves, it'll be over. I can't live without him anymore. How could I do this to him?_

xxxx

All he really wanted to do was get drunk. As drunk as possible. But he had a family to look after, and he would not abandon Alexis or his mother just to satisfy his own need to bury his hurt. So he sucked it up. Walking into the loft, Martha immediately knew something was wrong with her son.

"Oh, Richard, what is it?"

Rick shook his head, not really wanting to talk about it. "It's nothing, Mother."

"Nonsense," Martha said, waving her hands and walking up to him. "Now tell me what happened."

So he did. He led her over to their couch and told her everything.

"How could she do this mother? Or did I read it all wrong? I thought…I thought we were getting closer, getting to the point where we could have a future together. But now she's dating another guy? How could she do that to me again?"

"Oh, Richard. I'm so sorry. Maybe…maybe it's time to move on."

"What do you mean? Give up?"

"It's not giving up if you've already lost, Rick. It's realizing that the game is over and someone else has won."

He thought about that for several minutes when he realized that his mother was right. He had to move on. He was always going to love Kate Beckett, he knew that. But she didn't love him. They'd always be partners and maybe friends, but they'd never be any more. He was 41 years old, and he wasn't getting any younger. It was time to really find the _one_. He had thought it was Kate, but apparently he was wrong. He needed to find the right one now, and move on with his life.

"You're right, mother, of course. I have to move on."

"So are you going to stop shadowing the good detective?"

Rick shook his head. "Not right away. If I just up and leave, she'll know why. And I have to stay there to keep her away from her mom's case. Even if she doesn't love me back, I still don't want her to throw her life away. When I've either solved the case or have another piece of information for it, I'll take it to her and she'll end our partnership anyways. In the meantime I'll distance myself from her and the team. I'll be there for the cases, and that's it. And she'll be 'Detective' or 'Beckett' from now on. 'Kate' is too personal for a professional relationship. I'll also start looking into ending the Nikki Heat series. This next book will be a good stopping point really, as Rook is healing from the bullet he took for Nikki. They can get together at the end, and ride off into the sunset together."

"Any ideas what you'll do next?"

Rick smiled for the first time since he left the precinct. "Something different. Maybe some science fiction or perhaps a historical drama. Something that doesn't involve the NYPD in any way."

They talked for another hour about what the future would bring. Castle knew only one thing for sure. His future was a little bit duller now that he knew it didn't feature Katherine Beckett.

xxxx

The next two weeks were some of the hardest of Kate Beckett's life, and that was saying something. Castle, the day after Rob had shown up unexpectedly, had started to distance himself. After her shooting he vary rarely called her detective or Beckett, instead opting to call her Kate. She liked that. Now all he ever called her is Detective or Detective Beckett.

She should have known that this would come to bite her in the ass. It was completely unlike her, but since her shooting she hadn't been behaving in her usual manner. According to Dr. Burke a lot of how she had been acting, including the constant mood swings and the increased reliance on alcohol were symptoms of severe PTSD. She, of course, had done something similar after her mother had died. She'd started partying, sleeping around, and drinking much more than was good for her. Only her desire to see justice done for her mother had gotten her out of that hole.

Now, she thought she knew better. However after that sniper case she had lost it, and nothing in her life seemed normal. She couldn't even remember why she had called Rob for that second night, let alone stuck with him for two more weeks. It was like she was living in a daze that she couldn't pull herself out of.

Then there was Castle. She knew that now that he knew she was 'dating' again (though she wouldn't call it that), he would stop waiting for her, and she couldn't blame him. She knew she didn't deserve him. That was one of the reasons why she hadn't started up with him right after her shooting. He deserved better.

That of course, didn't mean that him pulling away from her hurt any less. She had tried everything she could think of. She even mentioned that she broke things off with Rob, but he didn't seem to care. He simply said that "It's your life, Detective, what you do is your choice. All I want is for you to be happy."

She had tried to get him to go to drinks with her and the boys, but he always begged off. Not that drinks out with the rest of her team was something that she looked forward to anymore. Ryan and Esposito had started to give her the cold shoulder as well. Even Lanie was mad at her.

Kate sat at her desk, waiting for Castle to come in. He had been absent from the precinct the last two days, but she still had hopes that he would make an appearance. He had only been coming in when they had cases to work, unlike before when he'd show up almost every day including paperwork days. She needed to talk to him. Explain what had happened, why she had done what she had done, and tell him the truth about that day in the cemetery. She knew, however, the minute the truth passed from her lips he'd be gone for good, and it would be all her fault.

Sighing, she got up to get herself a cup of coffee. It was going to be a long day.

xxxx

Castle had talked to Lanie. He needed to find a real date. All the women he knew, except Kate of course, only wanted him for the fame and fortune that would come from dating a highly successful author. It was one of the things that he loved most about Kate. She didn't care about his money or his fame. In fact, she hated it.

Over the last two weeks he had tried to stop thinking about her as someone he loved. He tried, instead, to think about her as a colleague, but it wasn't working. He had decided he needed to do two things. First he had booked himself an appointment with a shrink. He needed to get his mind right, and he needed someone, who wasn't his mom or daughter, to talk to about his 'Kate obsession'. He knew he needed help to get over her.

The second thing he decided he needed to do was start dating again. His problem was that he didn't know any women who were 'real' enough for him to consider dating. He was done with bimbos and the playboy lifestyle. For Richard Castle, it was time to grow up, or he was never going to get the life he wanted.

So a week after he had met the infamous Rob, Castle had talked to Lanie. She was trustworthy enough that he could talk to her without it getting back to Beckett, even if the ME was Kate's best friend.

 **-Flashback-**

" _Hey Lanie, you got a minute?" Rick asked as he entered the ME's domain._

" _Hey Castle, sure. Beckett with you?"_

" _No. I could use some advice and maybe some help."_

" _Oh?" Lanie turned around from her desk, looking the author in the eyes for the first time. "And what might I advise the great Richard Castle on today? You know I don't work for free, don't you?"_

 _Rick smirked. "Of course. Just name your price."_

" _Spill first, then I'll send you a bill."_

" _First I need your word that this won't get back to Detective Beckett."_

" _Is this personal or professional?"_

" _Personal, actually."_

" _Then sure, you have my word."_

" _You know she's dating again, right?"_

" _Javi told me. I don't know what the hell that girl is doing. I take it you're done?"_

" _I'm done waiting for her, Lanie, yes. I've got to move on, which is what I wanted to talk to you about. I need a real date. All the women I know, at least those that would consider dating me, aren't real. I'm done with bimbos. Do you happen to have a female friend who wouldn't mind being set up on a blind date?"_

 _They talked for over an hour, while Lanie thought about his question. She did have several single friends who would be great for Castle, but she wanted to know more about where he was headed before she'd start doling out phone numbers._

" _Are you going to stop shadowing Detective Beckett," she asked at one point._

" _Yes, but not right away. There are a couple things I need to do first, and I still like coming into the precinct and working the cases. It makes me feel useful again. I really hadn't felt that way from a professional standpoint since I was in the military."_

" _You were in the military," Lanie asked, surprised._

" _Yeah. Did Kate tell you about my naked equestrian adventure?"_

" _Yeah?"_

" _Well obviously I got caught. And it wasn't my first offense of doing something unlawfully stupid. So the judge told me I could go to jail or join the military. I chose the Navy."_

 _It was this revelation of a man she thought she knew that made Lanie's mind up for her. She had the perfect person for Castle._

 **-End Flashback-**

And that was how Castle ended up sitting at a fancy restaurant across from a gorgeous woman. Her name was Kensi Blye, and she worked for NCIS. She'd just been transferred to New York. They'd been talking for a couple hours, and Castle couldn't believe how much they had in common.

She talked as much as she could about her career, and he shared stories of his brief but exciting time in the Navy. He was shocked to learn that she had worked with Sam Hannah out in LA. He'd known Sam in his days.

When Castle got home that evening, he had a smile on his face. He couldn't remember ever having a better first date. The best part? He hadn't thought about Kate Beckett at all.

 **xxxx**

 _Two weeks after Castle's first date…_

Kate stormed into the morgue on a warpath. She couldn't believe her friend would do this to her. "Lanie!"

Kate had found out that her worst fears were true. Castle had started dating again. In her mind, though she knew she was being irrational and unfair, this was a betrayal of the highest order. And Lanie had been the one to set it all up! She couldn't believe it.

"What can I do for you _Detective,_ " Lanie said looking up sharply from the body she was working on.

"You set Richard Castle up on a date? How could you do that to me?"

Lanie huffed and pulled her gloves off after stepping away from the cadaver. "How could I? How could you? You knew that man was waiting for you! Hell, you basically asked him to wait! Then you go and get yourself a new boyfriend. If that wasn't bad enough you had your new boy come in and wrap his arms around you in front of the man you said you loved! How could you do that? What the hell is wrong with you, Kate? Do you hate Castle?"

"What?! No I don't hate him. I don't know why I did what I did. It just happened, and then I didn't stop it like I should have. It wasn't even a relationship."

"You called the man your boyfriend."

Kate sighed, running her hands through her long hair. "Yes, but I didn't know what else to call him. He surprised me by coming to the precinct. I didn't want him there at all, then he just showed up. I couldn't call him my fuck buddy. I mean really."

"So that's what he was? Just someone for sex?"

"Yes."

"And why couldn't that have been Castle?"

"Oh come on! You know exactly why I couldn't have just used Castle for sex!"

"Kate, you know that boy would have done it for you. He didn't say he wanted to get married right away. What would have been wrong with just keeping it slow and simple at first? You were equating the love word with a permanent relationship when we both know that Castle wouldn't have tied you down if you decided you weren't ready for more than just sex. Instead you used someone else, who probably didn't deserve that, and in the process ruined whatever chance you had at something that could have lasted until your last days.

"I've known you for almost twenty years, Kate. We went to college together, and we've lived through some tough shit together. I was one of the few that stood by you through those dark months after your mom's death. Not one time have I ever known you to be this cruel. The only man you have ever kept waiting is Castle. Tom Demming got further with you in a relationship in one week than Castle has in four plus years. What that shows me is that you don't want a relationship with Richard Castle. If you did, you'd have jumped in by now. The Kate Beckett I know isn't a coward. At least I didn't think she was."

Kate plopped herself down on the chair beside Lanie's desk. She knew Lanie spoke the truth, but that didn't make it any easier to hear. "What do I do?" She whispered, tears running down her cheeks.

"You let him go. It's over. I know I shouldn't have worked behind your back, but he came to me and asked. He wanted real. Kensi is as real as a person can be, and they have many things in common. From what I heard, their first two dates were a smash hit."

"Why is he even still following me around if he's moving on?" Kate asked, completely ignoring Lanie's advice.

"Oh, come on, Kate! He might have at one time only been here to get in your pants, but it's more than that to him now. He likes helping the victims almost as much as you do. He's addicted to it, and it would be too hard for him to just quit cold turkey."

"I don't think I can let him go," Kate said softly, hating herself for the truth of the statement. She knew that she had to let him go, that he deserved to be happy. She knew that she had lost all the chances he was ever going to give her.

"You don't have a choice. It's too late, sweetie. He's moving on. So should you."

xxxx

 _A couple weeks later…_

 _Well that was awkward,_ Castle thought as he walked out of Kensi's apartment building. He'd never been so embarrassed in his entire life. _Really, Rick? Calling out another woman's name during sex?!_

They'd been on four dates, and it had all be fantastic. He really liked her. She had an amazing sense of humor, but could also talk about real things that she cared about. He hadn't planned on taking their relationship to the physical level so soon, but one thing had led to another and it had happened.

She had been very nice about it. She had even listened to him talk about why it had happened and offered her advice on how to fix it before sending him on his way.

Castle groaned as he got into his car. Maybe he wasn't ready for this. _There's no maybe about it,_ he thought sarcastically. He should never have started anything so soon after choosing to move on. Or at least he shouldn't have moved their relationship so fast. Now not only as he still hurting, but he had hurt another. Ashamed wasn't even a strong enough word for how he felt. _I'm just like Beckett,_ he thought bitterly. _I just used another to forget my own problems. How could I do that to someone?_

xxxx

 _A Week Later…_

"Good afternoon, Detective," Burke said, greeting one of his favorite patients.

"Hi." He knew what was wrong, she hadn't looked this bad after her shooting.

"How are you, Kate?"

Kate sat there in silence for several minutes, not really knowing how to answer the question. She had just come from the 12th precinct. Castle had ended their partnership. He wasn't going to shadow her any longer. When he had told her that, she had almost begged him to stay, to give her one more chance. Almost. But then she remembered Lanie's talk and decided to let him go; let him live his life without her. She needed him to be happy. He deserved to be happy.

She could tell from the month and a half or so since Rob had shown up at the precinct that he hadn't been happy. She knew he had been dating, but that appeared to be over. She didn't know what happened as he wouldn't tell her. He wouldn't talk about anything personal, and he always left as soon as he could possibly leave, even if they had a case and were staying late. Then this morning he had simply shown up and said goodbye to everyone. He told her he was ending the Nikki Heat series and starting research on a new character. It had seemed sudden, but now she knew that it wasn't. She should have known that it would hurt him too much to stay. She knew it was all because of her.

"Castle's leaving," Kate said finally. She knew better than to hold it in. She came here for a reason, after all.

"Leaving?"

She cleared her throat and wiped her eyes, trying hard to hold in the sobs that threatened to destroy her. "He's not going to shadow me anymore."

"Did you talk to him about your relationship with," he looked down at his notes, "Rob?"

"I told him weeks ago that we had broken up and that it hadn't meant anything. I even apologized, but Lanie was right. It was too late. I ruined it all." She couldn't hold back any longer as sobs shook her entire body.

Burke could have told her that this was coming. In fact he had. Her first time telling him about her 'relationship' with this Rob he'd told her that it would only end badly for her. Yet he had worked to help her understand the reason behind her actions. He had started to think that her actions weren't the result of any lingering emotional effects of her shooting, and were more related to her inability to realize that not all close relationships would end up with her getting hurt.

It took several minutes, but Kate finally got her emotions under control. "What do I do?"

"I can't tell you that, Kate. What do you want to do?"

"I want to go to him. Tell him I love him. That I made a mistake and that I want him. Just him. But it's too late! He wouldn't believe me now. Hell I don't even know if I believe me! How could I have treated him that way if I really loved him?" She shouted. "Do I even know what love is? Maybe this isn't real!"

"Oh, I think you love him. I don't doubt that for a minute, Detective, and neither should you. But I think that you don't want to love someone that deeply because if you lose them it would hurt, isn't that right?"

Kate thought for a minute. It made sense. After her mother died she eschewed any close relationships because she was worried that anyone she got close to would be taken from her. But she had thought she had gotten over that. Maybe she hadn't.

"I…only hurt the ones I love," she said softly, finally understanding. "I should let him go if I really love him. I shouldn't hurt him anymore."

Carter Burke looked at his patient sadly. He didn't like to see his patients give up, but he couldn't deny that maybe in this case it wasn't for the best. "Maybe you're right, Kate. Maybe you should let him go. But you shouldn't take this all on you. Yes you've made mistakes, but hasn't he?"

"Of, course, but he never hurt me on purpose. Not like I have him."

"Was it really on purpose?"

"I…I don't know. It feels like it now. But at the time it just seemed like keeping him at arm's length was for the best. Then it just became a habit to keep pushing him away. I guess I never really thought about how it must have looked to him." Kate thought back to all the times she had pushed him away, all the relationships she had used just to hide her growing feelings for her partner. She could see now why everyone around her thought that Castle's continued presence in her life was so unusual. She couldn't even imagine how it must have felt to keep getting knocked down each and every time he showed how much he loved her. _Why did he keep coming back?_

xxxx

He didn't know if he would regret what he had done or not, but he thought that he had made the right decision. At first he had planned on continuing his shadowing of Detective Beckett, but then after the fiasco that was his first try at dating, he decided that if he was going to move on, he really needed to move on.

So he had ended it. What confused him, at least at first, was how well Kate had taken it. He thought she would at least wonder why he was going to be leaving, but instead he simply got a heartfelt thank you, and a nice goodbye hug. It wasn't cold, but he would have expected more, especially from the curious detective. As was usual with her, she didn't let any of her emotions surface, which meant he had no real clue how she had handled the news. No regret. No relief. Nothing. Just a "I'm sad to see you go, thanks for all you've done, don't be a stranger." It confused him. Even if they weren't romantically involved, he would have expected some sort of emotion.

Now, a week later, he had to decide what he was going to do next. He had taken some time to think about it because he didn't want to make any hasty decisions. He had already jumped into a relationship with another woman and it was a disaster. He didn't want to do that again. He had talked to his shrink about it, and the doctor had agreed that the best way to move on was to create a clean break.

Castle had also decided to completely shelve the investigation into Kate's mom's murder and Kate's shooting. He also decided not to mention it. He hadn't come up with anything in months' worth of investigation, and it wouldn't do her any good to know that he had been investigating again behind her back. He had hope that she wouldn't take the case up again unless it came to her naturally. He wouldn't be around to keep her from falling down the rabbit hole, but he'd never been very good at that anyways.

Whatever Castle decided to do, he knew that it had to be a family decision. Alexis would be starting college at the end of the year, and he would not jeopardize her future in any way.

So he called a family meeting, something they hadn't done since Alexis was in elementary school.

"So what's up dad?" Alexis asked when she and her grandmother had sat down across from him. "Is something wrong?"

"No. Nothing really bad, at least. As you guys know, I've ended my partnership with Detective Beckett. What I'm trying to decide is what's next for me. Alexis you've been telling me to move on for months now, and I'm finally going to do it. But I wanted to know what you guys think I should do."

"It's about time Dad. She hurt you so bad, and I can't stand that. You deserve to be happy, and she didn't make you happy."

Martha looked at her son intently. "Are you sure you're going to be able to do this, Richard?"

"I have to try, Mother. It's…I can't do this anymore. It is obvious she doesn't care for me as much as I care for her or else she wouldn't go around sleeping with other men, especially after asking me to wait for her to have a relationship. I suppose I could see a one-night stand, but according to Lanie, she was with this Rob guy for two weeks. If she could do that with him, why couldn't she be in a relationship with me? The only explanation is that she doesn't want to be in a relationship with me at all.

"If that's the case, then I have to move on. I can't keep letting myself have hope that someday she'll see me for the person I really am and will fall for me. If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. So yes, mother, I am going to move on. I tried with that Kensi that came here a couple weeks ago, but that crashed and burned fast."

"Well then what are your plans?" Martha asked.

"I don't know. My first thought was to move. I really want to get out of New York, even for a little while. Everything here reminds me of her. But I'm not going to do that until Alexis graduates. For now, I'm going to spend time here, ending the Nikki Heat series and planning for my next book. In May when you graduate, we'll talk more. Have you decided on a college?"

Alexis shrugged. "I thought you wanted me to go to school here, so I've pretty much decided on Columbia."

"Pumpkin if you want to go elsewhere, do not let me influence your decision. Yes, I'll miss you terribly, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't go live your life. Besides, there is nothing holding me here any longer, so I might just follow you. Although Chicago sounds fantastic to me right now. It's a big city but it isn't New York."

Alexis looked to her grandmother excitedly. "You mean I could choose anywhere?"

"Of course. I made a mistake being so protective. You should decide on the school you want, not on a location that is near me."

"Stanford, then. It's definitely Stanford."

Castle smiled. He knew that was the school she would choose. It had always been her first choice. "Okay. I know you just got your acceptance letters, so respond back to that and accept your position."

Alexis leapt across the couch and hugged her dad. "I'm so happy, dad. I wish you were too."

"Don't worry about me, pumpkin," Castle said, looking across at his mother while he hugged his daughter, "I'll be fine. It'll take some time, but I will."

xxxx

 _Six months later…_

Kate Beckett rushed into the hospital, panicking when people got into her way. She slid to a stop in front of the emergency room reception desk and said, "I'm Detective Kate Beckett, I got a call that my father was brought in after an accident. What can you tell me?"

The nurse behind the station tapped some keys on her keyboard and said, "He's out of surgery now, Detective. I'll send for the doctor to come and let you know his condition. Please take a seat."

"Thank you," Kate said in a small voice. She took a seat in the far corner of the busy waiting room, finally letting the tears fall. She had been at home after a long day at the precinct, thinking about how crappy her life had gotten since she had messed it all up with Castle, when she had gotten the call. Her father had been in a cab when it had been hit from the side by a speeding delivery van.

She had panicked, not knowing what she would do if she lost the last bastion for light in her life, and drove sirens blazing to the hospital. Barely thinking anything other than, _Please, not him too, please._

She was brought out of her misery by her name being called. She stood and walked to where the doctor was waiting for her.

"Detective?" She nodded. "Your father is going to be fine. He has several broken bones, and a minor concussion, but otherwise he was extremely lucky. He's awake if you want to see him."

She followed the man through a maze of corridors to a brightly lit room decorated like every hospital room everywhere. She almost stumbled and fell to the floor when she saw her father, wrapped in bandages with casts around both legs and one of his arms.

"Dad?" she whispered, finally getting her feet to move her across to his bed.

"Hi, Katie," Jim Beckett said.

"Oh, God. I was so worried."

"Hey, now. I'm still here," he said, moving his uninjured arm up to cup her cheek and wipe away the tears flowing from her eyes.

They stayed that way for several moments before Kate sat down and took her father's hand.

"So, Katie, how are you?"

Kate snorted, "Shouldn't I be asking you that?"

"No, we all know how I am, I'm in a hospital bed. Seems obvious that there is at least something wrong with me. Now what about you?"

She shrugged. "I'm fine."

Jim Beckett scowled. Over the last six months, his daughter had crawled back into her shell, a place where she had been living before meeting a certain mystery novelist. Now that Richard Castle was not part of her life, she had apparently decided she didn't deserve to do more than work and sleep. He could see that she was depressed, but had no clue how to help her.

"Why don't you call him?"

Kate looked into her father's eyes, "Who?"

"Don't give me that, Katherine Beckett. You know exactly who I'm talking about. The only way this gets fixed is if you go out there and talk about it. I'm not saying it ends the way you might want it to, but if you want closure you can't just keep drifting through life. You have to take it by the horns and make it do what you want it to do. Call him. This is getting ridiculous. You've been depressed and angry for the last six months."

Kate sighed. She hadn't had a talking to like this in years. Not that she didn't deserve it, but she thought that her dad was a bit disillusioned on the merits of talking to a man that probably despised her.

"I can't, dad. I'm sure he hates me. And I don't blame him. What I did was unforgivable. I've moved on."

"Bullshit," Jim said, shocking his daughter. He never swore. "Bullshit, Katie. You know damn well that he doesn't hate you, even now. The love that he had for you will never die. That doesn't mean he'll take you back, but talking to him, clearing the air will help both of you. It wouldn't surprise me if he's just as miserable as you are."

"Not likely. He's moved on, Dad. He's probably already found another woman. Or five."

"I'm disappointed in you, Kate. You know he isn't like that anymore. Is that why you held back from him?"

"I…no. It was all me. I panicked, ran, and then betrayed him by going with another man after asking Castle to wait for me. I was an idiot. Now it's time to pay the consequences."

"Answer me this, and I'll let you be for now: Do you love him, sweetheart?"

The tears started flowing down her cheeks as Kate remembered all she had pushed away. "Yes, Daddy, I do."

"Then go to him. Fix it. Tell him that you love him, and that you'll do anything to make it right. It won't be easy, but since when has that ever stopped you from doing something? One thing this accident has reminded me of, life is short, sweetheart. You don't have time to fool around. Call him or you'll regret it for the rest of your life."

xxxx

She couldn't believe she was doing this. It had been months since she had last seen him, and now she was standing in front of his door, waiting for someone to answer. What was she going to say? What could she say? She had betrayed him, and she knew it. There couldn't be any coming back from this could there?

She couldn't believe it when the door opened and a strange older woman opened the door.

"Can I help you," the woman asked.

"Is Rick here?"

"Rick? Rick who?"

"Richard Castle?" Kate asked, starting to worry.

"Oh, you mean the guy who used to live here. Sorry, honey, but he moved out a month and half ago."

 _Moved out?_ He moved? Kate felt her blood run cold at how far she had pushed him away. She'd literally driven him out of his previous life.

"Do you know where he moved to?" She asked when she found her voice again.

"Chicago, I think. His mother might know. Lovely woman. She lives above her acting school now."

"Thanks, sorry for interrupting you." Kate walked away wondering what the hell she was going to do.

xxxx

 _Two weeks later…_

He couldn't say he was in love with his new home. The city was fine, but it wasn't New York. He'd been here for over a month now, but it just wasn't the same. The culture and life in Chicago was different, and was something he would have to get used to if he was going to stick around.

It also had no Kate Beckett in it, which was something he wasn't sure was a good or a bad thing. Even after months without her in his life, he still thought about her every single day. He couldn't help it. He'd found a new therapist, but the progress was slow, and the doctor warned him that he might never fully move on. Alexis had left for college and he had packed up the loft and moved to a smaller but luxurious loft in the heart of Chicago. He had offered the loft to his mother, but she had said it was too big for just one person. She'd moved over her acting studio.

He'd started his new book, but it was slow going. He couldn't help but notice that his attention kept drifting, proving that he just wasn't as interested in this new set of characters. He was attempting, for the first time, to write something outside of the crime mystery genre. It wasn't easy for him.

He sat looking at the blank screen as he pondered how to start chapter three, when he heard a knock at the door. _Who could that be?_ he wondered.

If he hadn't been holding onto the door handle when he checked the peephole, he would have fallen over. Kate Beckett, the betrayer, was on the other side of his door. _How the hell did she find me? What do I do?_

Slowly he opened the door. Looking her in the eyes, he asked coldly, "What do you want, Beckett?"

xxxx

She couldn't believe how much courage she'd had lately. She had, after visiting Castle's former home, found his mother and talked with the woman for hours. It wasn't a happy conversation at the start. For sure his mom wasn't happy with her, but they talked about what had happened, why it had happened, and more importantly what Kate should try to do about it.

She had, after their conversation, asked for Castle's new address. Martha had given it to her, but told her "Don't get your hopes up, kiddo. I've never seen him so hurt before, and I think he really wants to move on this time."

Kate couldn't deny how much those words had hurt. She only had hope now, and if even Castle's mother thought hope was in short supply, what chance did Kate really have at getting Castle to come home to her?

But she knew she had to try. If she didn't, she'd regret it for the rest of her life. Even if she just apologized for being…well for being her, and let him move on she'd feel better than if she just left him hanging. So she had talked to Gates, told her that she needed an extended period of leave for some health reasons, and flew to Chicago.

It took her nearly ten minutes to gather the courage to knock on his door. When she finally did and he opened the door slowly, his first words nearly broke her heart all over again.

"What do you want, Beckett?"

Her first thoughts were to say 'You. I just want you." But that wouldn't have been well received given her actions, she knew that for sure.

"Hi, Castle. Can we talk?"

Richard Castle was not a coward. But he was seriously scared of the woman who was at his door. She had broken him so many times already, and now she was asking for yet another chance to do it again.

He knew what he had to do. He knew that it would cost him everything he had, but he had to do it.

"I'm sorry, Detective, but I have nothing to say to you." And then he shut the door.

xxxx

He had shut the door in her face. Not that she could blame him, of course, but she still thought that he would at least hear her out.

She stood staring at the closed door for several minutes, tears flowing down her cheeks, while she pondered what to do next.

For years, Kate Beckett had been a coward when it came to her feelings for this man. She could name time after time where she had blatantly fought off his advances. Every time he had shown her how much he loved her, she had either joked about it to lighten the emotionally charged moment, or she had ran away. Other times she had flaunted other men in his face in order to keep him at arm's length. It was one of the reasons why, if she was honest with herself, the 'relationship' with Rob had lasted so long. She was scared of the feelings that came with Richard Castle, both his _and_ hers.

Standing there after having him reject her for once was something she had never expected to experience. She knew, however, that it couldn't be over. She was done being a coward when it came to Richard Castle. She loved him. She wanted to be with him, and if he would or could ever forgive her, she would have him.

It was time to grow up and get her man. She just had to figure out how to get him to open the door.

xxxx

He couldn't believe he had done that. After fighting for that woman for nearly five years, he had slammed the door in her face when she had obviously flown across the country to see him.

But he knew that it needed to be done. He had to move on. He knew that he couldn't/wouldn't forget her. He probably, if he were being honest with himself, would never stop loving her. But he couldn't let her get any more chances at his shattered heart. It couldn't survive another attempt by Kate Beckett.

By nature, Rick Castle was a forgiving man. He knew that eventually he would forgive her for what she had done, if he hadn't already. But he couldn't trust her. How could he? He had poured his heart out to her while she lay dying and then she had abandoned him for three months, and then instead of coming to him she had started a relationship with another man. He would be alright with that if she hadn't done it twice before. Three times and she was out, as far as Castle was concerned.

xxxx

She went back to her hotel to regroup. She had to decide what she should do, but she needed help. She needed Lanie.

Unfortunately, Lanie was still very unhappy with her. _Screw it,_ Kate thought. She pulled out her phone and dialed her best female friend's number.

"Parish," Lanie answered, obviously not looking at the screen before picking up.

"Hey, it's Kate. Do you have a minute?"

"Sure. I hear you took some time off. Want to meet for some drinks?"

"I can't. I'm in Chicago."

"What?! Why?"

"Chicago is where Castle lives now," Kate said softly.

"Oh, sweetie. I told you to let that man go. Why are you there?"

"I need to talk to him, Lanes. But…" she took a deep breath, "he doesn't want to talk to me. He slammed the door in my face."

"Can you blame him, Kate? I mean, seriously."

"No. I can't blame him. I know this is all my fault. And I know that there might not be any fix to this-"

Lanie interrupted, "No, Kate, let me stop you right there. There is no fix to this. You broke that man's heart, and now what? You're just going to swoop in and try to do it again?"

"What?" Kate snapped. "Of course not. I love him Lanie. I know I've done a piss poor job of showing it, but I do. I need him to know, and I need to say I'm sorry. If I can't have him, at least he'll know, okay?"

There was silence on the other end of the line for several moments before Kate heard Lanie sigh. "Alright, Kate, but I think this is a mistake. The best thing you could do for him, if you really love him, is walk away. Let him move on and find someone in his new city. You should come home, and do the same."

After a pause, Lanie asked, "So how are you going to get him to talk to you? You know stalking is illegal right?"

"Yes. And I don't know. I just…I thought maybe you'd have an idea of how to approach him."

"Oh, no. You know exactly how I feel about this. No. If you want him so bad, you need to figure it out yourself."

Kate sighed. Lane was right. She should be able to do this on her own.

"Thank you Lanie. You're right. I'll…I'll figure something out."

After disconnecting the call, Kate flopped down on the hotel room bed and groaned. She and no clue what she should do next. All she knew was that she didn't want to give up.

xxxx

Three days in a row now. She had shown up, and he had closed the door in her face. Kate sighed and turned around. Maybe she should just let it go. He obviously didn't want to speak with her.

She knew she was being selfish, trying to force a confrontation, but she was also desperate. She slumped down outside his door after her latest attempt and cried, not knowing what she could do to change his mind.

For the first time in years, Kate Beckett cried herself to sleep.

xxxx

Was he being unfair? That was the question he had asked himself over and over again over the last three days. She had knocked on his door, he had asked her politely to leave, and then shut the door. His heart kept telling him to give her a chance, but his head knew better. His head knew that he couldn't afford to give her another chance.

His resolve, however, faltered when he found her sleeping outside his door several hours after she had knocked on it for the third time.

He groaned. He was late to one of his publisher's meetings. He'd switched from BlackPawn when he had moved to Chicago, so he really didn't want to be late. He reopened his door, picked her up bridal style and carried her into the living room of his new loft.

He wrote a quick note to her after laying her gently on the couch, and then made his way back out of his home. He hoped he wasn't making a mistake.

xxxx

When Kate woke up, she found herself on a really comfortable couch. Groaning from the awkward position she had slept in, she swung her legs over the side of the couch and looked around. She knew immediately that this was Castle's home. There was just something about it that screamed 'Richard Castle'.

She spotted a note on the coffee table in front of her and picked it up.

 _Detective,_

 _I couldn't just leave you out sleeping by my door. I had a publisher's meeting to attend to. I'll be back around 5PM. Please be gone before I get back._

 _RC_

She didn't know what to do. Should she do as he asked and be gone or should she continue to be stubborn? She needed to talk to him. She knew, however, that she needed to start taking his feelings into account, otherwise he would never forgive her. If he ever could forgive her.

He had written the note on the open page of a notebook. She made a decision, knowing that she would have to live with it for the rest of her life. It was the hardest decision she ever made.

Taking a deep breath, she grabbed the pen that lay on the coffee table, turned the page of the notebook to a clean sheet and began to write.

 _Dear Rick,_

 _You'd think with as smart as people think I am that I'd have come to this realization sooner. I've realized that I've been incredibly selfish, and even by writing this letter I continue to be thinking of only myself. Or at least it seems that way to me._

 _I've treated you so badly, it's no wonder you can't even speak to me. I've messed you around, dragged your feelings and your heart through the mud, and then still expected you to be there always. I've taken you for granted, and what worries me most is that it has taken me this long to figure it out._

 _I honestly can't believe how terrible this whole situation has gotten. How could I have ever let this get this far? I basically cheated on you. Sure we weren't in a relationship, but we were working towards one, and I betrayed you by going out with another man._

 _I could put forth the usual platitudes about how the relationship I had with Rob meant nothing, but to you I know it did. I still can't believe I did that. And the funny thing is, I don't even know why it happened. Well, that's not true. I think I know why it happened. But it doesn't make it any better._

 _I have no excuses for it. And I don't expect to ever have you back in my life. That is NOT why I came to Chicago to see you. I came to attempt to apologize. I'll never be able to apologize enough. I not only ruined any chance I had at a loving relationship, I ruined the best friendship I've ever had. I'll regret that for the rest of my life._

 _When my mother died, I boxed myself up so I couldn't get hurt. Or more accurately as I've described it before, I walled myself in. That had far reaching effects in my life, but the most notable one is that I seemed to stop taking other people's feelings into account. I was the only person in the world, so I thought, that could take care of me. Being selfish became so ingrained that it became second nature by the time you and I met. Since she died, it has always been just about me, and no one else._

 _But a relationship can't be like that. It's why all my relationships since then have all been one sided. 'One foot out the door', remember? If I had to explain why I went to Rob, that would be it. I could have a one-sided relationship with him. I can't do that with you. If I were to jump in with you, it'd be all or nothing, because you deserve nothing less. And, because I'm selfish and it's always been about me, I didn't even take your feelings into account. Hell, I didn't even really take my feelings into account. I just did it without thinking about it, because it is what I've always done._

 _I know this next bit is going to be unbelievable, but I have to say it. I love you, Richard Castle. I know my behavior hasn't shown it, but I do. I've loved you for a couple years now, but I'm also scared shitless by those feelings. I've never felt this before, and I know I'll never feel it again. Because my feelings for you are so strong, I've ran away many times. It started with Tom Demming. He was a way to keep my growing feelings at bay._

 _Then there was Josh. He was a way to get over the heartbreak that was our second summer. You had went away for the summer, unknowingly choosing your ex-wife over me. I was going to go with you, but I waited too long. Seeing you walk away with her broke my heart because I had decided then and there to finally open myself up for a real relationship with you. So when I met Josh, I used him to get over that hurt. When you came back, I used him to keep from reestablishing my feelings for you, though in reality they never went away, in fact by the time we were in that freezer together, they had gotten very strong. So strong I almost told you how I felt before I passed out. In many ways, I wish I would have finished that sentence. Things would be so much clearer now._

 _Then I got shot, and you told me you loved me. Yes, I remember. I lied. I hate myself for it. I'm telling you now because I have nothing left to lose. I lied because it allowed me to run away from the feelings. I always run away. When I came back from my three month stint in hell, I didn't know if I even wanted to see you. NO. That's a lie again. I desperately wanted to see you, but I didn't know if I was strong enough. So I used those files as an excuse to come see you. I'm not proud of any of this._

 _Rob happened after the sniper case. I was so close to being with you after the bank explosion it scared me. Put on top of that my PTSD during that sniper case and I had to get away from both my trauma and you. I was more of a mess then than I was at any point in my life. I can't even remember how I picked him up, all I know was that once I did, I fell into my old habit of pushing you away with another man. As I said, I was selfish. It was all about me, just like it always has been._

 _I've hurt you so badly, and I know you must hate me. I don't blame you. I wanted to talk to you to say I'm sorry. I'm sorry I lied to you. I'm sorry I dragged my feet and ruined our chance. I'm sorry for not being the type of person who could love you back the way you deserve. I'm sorry for everything. I'm so damn sorry._

 _I will never ask you to take me back or give me another chance. I thought that I would ask you that, but I've come to realize that I don't deserve another chance. I've had so many, and every time I've just made it worse and hurt you more. So I'm going to go back to New York. I'm going to let you move on, even though it's going to be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It's the right thing to do, and it is about time that I do what's right when it comes to you._

 _I love you, Rick. I always will. I hope you can find happiness. You deserve it more than anyone I know._

 _Love Always,_

 _Kate_

xxxx

When Castle got back to his loft, he opened the door with trepidation. Would she still be in his home? Part of him really hoped she wasn't, while another, bigger part hoped she was.

When he found the apartment empty, he sighed with disappointment and relief. He walked over to where he had placed her on the couch, just to make sure, but she wasn't there. He was about to go into his office to deposit his laptop bag when he spotted the notebook.

He picked it up when he spotted her writing on it, and brought it into the office with him.

His office wasn't as grand as it had been when he lived in New York. He'd gone entirely modern this time with a steel and glass desk, modern office chair, and a small modern painting. The rest of the room was filled with his bookshelves. It was more cozy than the office in New York had been. He had come to cherish this space above all others.

He sat down at his desk and started to read her note. He knew it probably wouldn't change anything, but he always loved words, and these were _Kate's_ words. She'd always held her words so tight, so close to her, even now after everything he had suffered through, he knew he'd cherish them. Even if it wouldn't change anything.

xxxx

 _Two Days Later…_

She'd tried to leave. She'd even made it to the terminal where she would catch he flight back. But she felt like she was leaving behind a piece of herself. She knew that she was. Whether she liked it or not, Richard Castle had been a part of her life for over five years. And she loved him.

As she sat in her re-rented hotel room, she wondered if he had read her note. Even if he had, it was obvious it changed nothing for him. Even with that knowledge she couldn't bring herself to go home. There was nothing in New York for her any longer. Sure she had her father, but even with their repaired relationship, they still weren't as close as they had been before her mom's death. All her friends were disgusted with her, and rightfully so. And Castle wasn't there. That was the point that kept coming back to her. Castle wasn't in New York any more.

So she made a decision. A decision that would change her life forever.

xxxx

 _Six months later…_

He hadn't gone after her. He had thought about it, of course. His heart wanted to chase after her, wanted him to give her another chance. But he didn't; he couldn't do it. Chicago was slowly growing on him. He'd been there for over a year, and he had started to make friends and move around the city's social circles. He got involved in charities, and spent some time volunteering each week in homeless shelters. He had loved his work at the 12th precinct. It made him feel useful and needed. He used his work in charity and at the homeless shelters as a way to feel that way again.

In a small way he had moved on. He still thought of her every single day. With his psychologist's help he understood that it was unlikely that he'd ever stop loving her. But he had also begun to see that just because he loved Kate Beckett, didn't mean he couldn't love another just as much. He had begun to think about dating again. He wanted to do it right, and he wouldn't start until he was sure he could give himself to the task fully. He wouldn't use anyone else for his own selfish needs. Never again.

On a cold November day, he found himself sitting in an out of the way coffee shop working on the ending to his new novel. It had taken him a long time to get the new characters off their feet, but he liked them. He had chosen to write about a pair of time travelers whose mission was to fix errors of the past. Their first mission, the subject of the book, was to prevent the abduction and murder of a small child from the outskirts of Chicago. He found it a neat combination of science fiction and detective work, which was just enough of a change for him to get interested. Whether it was good enough for a series, he wasn't sure.

He was brought out of his typing by a gasp coming from near the counter to the coffee shop. Looking up, he froze. Kate Beckett was staring at him. _What the hell is she doing here?_ He thought. However, the anger and disappointment that he had felt months earlier was no longer there. Simple curiosity was what drove him this time. "Detective?"

"Castle," Kate said, almost reverently. She grabbed the coffee the clerk was offering her, and glanced towards the door then back at Castle. "Can…can I sit?"

Castle only nodded. "What are you doing in Chicago, Kate?"

Kate smiled, still loving the sound of her name coming from him, "I…uh…actually live here now. I promise I'm not stalking you or anything. After I left you that note, I couldn't leave. Yet, I couldn't even think of talking to you again. I promised myself to let you move on. But there wasn't anything left for me in New York without you. So I moved here. I figured at least this way I was in the same city as you." She looked down at her coffee then said, "I know it seems kind of…I don't know, creepy I guess. But it made me feel a little better."

Rick smiled. It did sound odd, but it was also so…un-Beckett-like that it was endearing. "So how do you like it here," he asked, keeping the conversation on save topics. Next he'd try the weather.

"It's nice. It's a little more relaxed here, you know?" She shrugged. "I enjoy it. You?"

"I've gotten used to it. I miss a lot of things from New York, but I still get back every couple months, so it isn't too bad. What…what are you doing now? Are you still working for the force?"

"No. I…I decided that I needed something new," she lied. "I'm actually working at the University of Chicago on my master's degree." She hadn't quit the force for something new, but he didn't need to know that it was because of him that she couldn't do the work any longer. It wasn't the same without her partner by her side.

"Oh? What are you studying?"

"Literature. I figure I can teach English or I can go on for a doctorate and teach college kids. Not really what I thought I'd be doing with my life, but I needed something different, and this is what I chose."

"Well, I'm glad you're doing well." He looked down at his laptop, and hit the save button, then closed the lid.

"Rick…I…uh…I missed you," Kate stammered, finding it a lot harder to say it than she thought it would be. It was awkward, seeing him after so many months away from him.

Castle smiled. "I missed you too, even with…everything."

Kate hung her head, ashamed. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

Rick reached his hand across and grabbed her hand. "I know, Kate, I know." He laughed, "I'm sorry too. God, knows you and I are crap at talking. You hurt me, sure, but in the end we both contributed to the end of whatever it was we had. I should have told you how I felt sooner. If I had, maybe we would have sat down and talked, and it would have never gone so far wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong, Rick," Kate shook her head. "I still would have found a way to screw it up. It's taken a lot of work for me to see that I just wasn't ready. I used coping mechanisms to push you away. My shrink says I was always going to be self-destructive with any relationship I had. So it wasn't in any way your fault. I…I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you."

They sat there in silence for a few minutes, both thinking about their regrets and the events that had led to the destruction of their hopes and dreams.

"Kate." "Rick." They laughed. "Go ahead," Castle offered.

"Do you…would you like to get dinner some time, you know, just to catch up?" She really couldn't believe she had asked him. She had promised herself to let him move on. But seeing him again, seeing him looking so good, brought back how much she missed having him in her life. She loved him, and she always would, but even if they couldn't be more, maybe they could be friends.

"I…I think I'd like that. But Kate, I can't promise anything."

Kate squeezed his hand, then pulled hers back across the table, "I know, Rick. I'm not asking for anything other than dinner. I missed you, that's all."

He nodded. He couldn't decide if he was making a mistake or not. He hoped not.

xxxx

So started their journey. It took four years. Four long years of hard work and dedication on both sides before they were willing to try something beyond friendship. Kate didn't push. She would have been happy with just having their friendship back.

Neither, however, could bring themselves to date other people, even if they thought about it from time to time. After four years, Castle was the one that made the first move. They had gone to see a movie, and then decided on a burger and shake from their favorite restaurant. When he dropped her off at her apartment, he had kissed her. It hadn't been planned, though he would have been a liar if he had said he hadn't thought about it during their four years of renewed friendship, but it was very nice.

They dated for two years before they decided it was time to get married. They both decided they wanted to try for children, but due to some health problems, Kate couldn't have children. Being the stubborn people they both were, they decided that they would adopt, and adopt they did. Cedric Allen Castle came into their family at age 4, and despite not being a blood relation, looked astonishingly like Castle, right down to the cerulean blue eyes. Unfortunately for Kate, Cedric acted a lot like Castle too.

Kate went on to get her doctorate, and ended up teaching English Lit at a local community college. Castle's first novel after Nikki Heat tanked, so he scrapped his idea for time travel and stuck to writing mysteries. Even after 20 years of marriage, Kate still made fun of him for that crappy attempt at science fiction.

Their little family thrived until just after their 29th anniversary when Richard Castle died of a unknown heart condition. Kate was left alone again, but also knew that she would thank the gods every single day for that chance meeting all those years before. She had finally made it right, and despite Castle leaving long before his time, she knew that the happiness they'd had for 29 years was well worth the pain in the end.

xxxx

 **a.n.2. It's a happy-ish ending, but it could have gone either way. At least it's finished.**

 **Please leave a review.**


	9. 9 - Chasing Ghosts

**a.n. This is based on the 8x07 promo. Personally, I think they're just prodding the fan base with a stick. If you haven't seen the promo, and you don't want spoilers, don't read.**

 **Disclimer: Nope. Absolutely not. If I did, this travesty of a season would have never been aired.**

 **xxxx**

"Are you set on divorce"

She keeps hearing the lawyer ask her in her head, but she keeps coming up with the same answer.

 _No._

But she has to do this. Castle has been hounding her since she left him, and his continued presence in her life has kept him in danger. She needs to keep him safe, even if it is through a method she would never have considered even a month ago. It was just supposed to be temporary, but his life matters more to her than his happiness. More than their happiness.

So she had answered yes. The papers would be sent to him in the next day or two. She didn't even want to imagine what he'd think, what he'd do when he got them. She knew it was going to break his heart even further. Hell, it was breaking her heart.

But he needed to be safe.

xxxx

He'd smashed up most of the loft after he had read the papers. He'd never been so angry in his entire life.

She'd filed for divorce.

After thinking about it for an hour and looking around at his demolished home, he realized that he shouldn't be surprised. Maybe it was him. Meredith cheated on him three months after giving birth to Alexis. Gina was a mistake before they said 'I do' and was destined to fail.

 _Kate_.

Kate had fought tooth and nail against a relationship with him. From the get go she was against any type of personal relationship, even after they had become friends. Hell, she hadn't even said 'I Love You' for the first time until she was standing on a bomb. Even the proposal was a rush job; something he had done just to show that he still wanted her and that he wanted a future with her even while she was considering a job in another city (which she had kept from him).

Every milestone in their relationship was spurred on by an emotional or dangerous event. So he figured that he really shouldn't be that surprised that she was going to follow in the steps of his previous two marriages. Failure.

Even with all the drama, however, he had thought that they would make it. He thought for sure she was the _one._ The main reason was that he loved her more than he loved anyone other than Alexis. He'd fallen hard from that first case onward, and had spent years worming his way into her heart.

He thought she loved him. Hell, even when she walked out the door, she had still proclaimed to love him. She'd said she was doing it for their marriage, whatever that meant. How could divorce help their marriage?

He didn't know what was going on. Either he had done something, and that was the reason she was ending it all; or something extraordinary was going on outside of their marriage that was forcing her hand. He'd asked around. He'd asked Ryan, Esposito and Lanie if they knew what was going on. Either they didn't know or they weren't telling. They'd all toed the company line, and followed their leader; the three of them, not even batting an eye at the fact that their friend was leaving a marriage behind. Whatever was going on, Rick was sick of it.

He'd tried. He loved her, but it was obvious that no matter what she said, she didn't love him. The divorce papers were the final straw. He was signing them.

Now all he had to do was pick up the pieces of his life.

xxxx

 _Three Years Later…_

She'd regretted it every single moment for the last three years. He'd signed the papers, given her an overly generous settlement (including the loft), and moved out of New York. He didn't even talk to her, everything had been done through the lawyers. Not that she blamed him of course. It was all her fault.

She'd ended her marriage, the most important relationship she'd ever had, for a case that still wasn't solved. All it had gotten her was two more bullet wounds, a shedload of PTSD problems, and an empty bed. She missed him, but it was of no use. She knew there was no coming back from this. Maybe if she hadn't filed for divorce. Maybe if she hadn't been so obsessed with the case, so sure that Vikram and Rita were telling the truth and that she was doing the right thing, maybe…maybe…maybe. She'd ruined both their lives because she couldn't see what was really important.

Her world ended one Saturday afternoon three years after their divorce when she saw that he was getting remarried. She was supposed to be his third time's the charm. He was supposed to be her one and done. Instead it was another woman on his arm, the happy couple staring at each other as the photographer took photo after photo. The announcement was brief, but it sent pain deep into her shattered heart.

She'd ruined her life chasing ghosts, and there was no coming back from it now.

xxxx

 **a.n.2. I really don't know what the writers are thinking about right now with this arc. I could stomach a separation. But Rick's attitude towards it has been to simply shrug it off and try to win her back. He should be angry. It shouldn't be Kate considering divorce, it should be Castle (though I don't think he should go through with it). Her considering it doesn't make any sense at all.**

 **So yeah, I wrote this with my emotions running high. I damn near wrote a death fic. I'm giving the show two more episodes. If it doesn't turn around, I'm done.**

 **Leave a review.**


	10. 10 - Intervention Pt 1

**a.n. No prompt this time, just a plot bunny that wouldn't go away. Kate is a little hasher here than she likely would be. Set during the Demming-era at the end of season 2.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.**

 **xxxx**

 **Intervention**

What the hell was going on? Lanie had called her at four that morning and asked her to come to the morgue, which she had. When Kate had arrived, Lanie had asked her to sit and wait for a few minutes. It wasn't long before Castle had shown up and Lanie had asked him to sit in the chair beside Kate.

Whatever Lanie was planning, Kate had a sneaking suspicion that she wasn't going to like it.

When the ME came back from wherever she had been when she left the pair, she sat down across from them and looked between the two.

"Lanie, what the hell is going on?" Kate asked, grumpy after being pulled out of bed so early on her day off. She'd been up late after a really nice date with Tom Demming. The two were really hitting it off, and her feelings on the matter had nothing to do with how successful she had been pushing her 'partner' away over the last few days.

"Don't give me any of that guff, missy. We're here to talk."

"Okay, then why is he here?" Kate asked, pointing at Castle. She hadn't treated him well since she'd met Demming, and even though she felt guilty about it, she had to stop herself from getting attached.

She grimaced as she saw the look of hurt pass over Castle's face. She really didn't like hurting him.

"He's here to talk too."

"Talk about what?" Castle asked, talking for the first time. Kate noticed he had been unusually silent for the last two days. Of course it could just be that he had gotten sick of her as she knew he would.

"Your relationship," Lanie responded simply.

"What!?" Kate exploded. "What relationship?"

"Well, let's start with your working relationship," Lanie said. "It seems you two have been having some problems."

"Lanie…" Kate started but was interrupted by the feisty doctor.

"Don't Lanie me, Kate Beckett. You've been treating Writer Boy here like shit for the last week. Don't deny it."

"Lanie," Castle said, "Don't worry about it, okay. Kate has just come to the conclusion that she doesn't need me any more. It was bound to happen eventually."

"Oh, come on, Castle, I've never needed you," Kate snapped. She knew it wasn't true, but Lanie had boxed her into a corner, and she felt trapped. When she felt trapped, she lashed out. The look on Castle's face when she had completed the barb nearly broke her heart, but he quickly covered it up with a stone like mask.

"See?" Castle responded, his voice even.

"I don't believe you, Kate Beckett. That may be the single most hurtful thing you've ever said. And it's a lie too. How many times has hero boy here saved your skinny butt, huh? How many cases have you solved because of him that you might not have if he hadn't been your partner? And remind me, Kate, who was it who paid $100,000 for a chance to catch your mother's murderer?"

Kate couldn't respond, she simply glared at her friend. If they had been alone, she would have simply walked away, but she didn't want to lose face with Castle there. That would amount to a victory for Lanie, and what was more, Lanie knew that.

"Lanie, don't bring those things up," Castle demanded. "I didn't do those things expecting anything in return."

"Why do you stick around, Rick?" Lanie asked bluntly.

Not looking at her he said, "I don't know what you mean."

Lanie scowled. Kate had been wondering why Castle had stuck with it for this long herself, and she was curious as to why he was lying about it. She knew he liked her, but she also knew he couldn't be trusted in a relationship. That was the main reason she had been trying to push him away, as she could feel herself falling for him, and it terrified her.

"Okay," Lanie said, turning to Kate. Beckett could tell her best friend was getting frustrated. "Kate, why do you think he sticks around?"

"Hell if I know," Kate retorted. "I'd love it if he'd just go away."

From the corner of her eye, she could see Castle's jaw clench. However, her attention was on the glare that Lanie had pointed towards her. She hadn't seen her friend this angry in…well she hadn't seen it ever, really.

"Castle, could you step outside for a few minutes? Maybe go get us some coffee?" Lanie asked with false sweetness.

"Gladly," Castle said, as he nearly ran out of the room.

Lanie spun back to Kate, "What the hell is wrong with you! You're treating him like you did when he first started to shadowing you. Do you not remember how much that man has done for you? And don't even get me started on how you've pushed him away for that robbery detective. Girl, I know you have feelings for him, strong feelings. Why are you denying it?"

Kate sighed. "I can't love him, Lanie! I can't. It would never work. The man's been married twice, for Christ's sake. I will not be another notch on his bed post."

"You know damn well that he wants more than a romp with you, Kate. You are just too damn stubborn to see it. Since that man has walked through the door of the 12th precinct, you've been happier than you've been in 10 years. You keep this up, you'll succeed in what you're trying to do. You'll drive him away, and then where will you be? You'll be left with nothing but an empty heart and an empty bed. And what's more, you'll deserve it."

"Lanie…"

"No. Kate just stop. Have you ever asked him about his failed marriages? Why they ended?"

"Of course not. But I'm sure he did something."

"And you'd be wrong, girlfriend. Both Meredith and Gina cheated on him. That's why the marriages ended. Did you maybe ever consider there might be a reason why he hadn't wanted another committed relationship? The man is just as broken as you are, but for different reasons. You two are good together. For the first time in years he wants to be in a relationship again. For the first time in years, you're living again. And it's because of each other. There's a reason why he's stuck around this long, Kate. He isn't in it for the books anymore, and you know it. He stays for you, but every single day you treat him like dirt erodes any hope he had that someday you might see him for who he really is."

Well, now Kate felt even guiltier. She'd always assumed that Castle had been responsible for the failure of his marriages, and she'd never even thought of how those failures must have affected him. Her shoulders slumped and she looked at Lanie, hoping for something, though she didn't know what.

"Girl, what do you want? Do you want to spend the rest of your life alone, parading through a string of men who mean nothing to you? Or do you want a real relationship with love, trust and all that? You know Castle loves you. What do you want?"

Kate sighed. "I don't know, Lanie. I don't know."

xxxx

"Where is he?" Lanie said, worriedly twenty minutes later. They were waiting for Castle to come back, but he hadn't made it back to the morgue yet.

"Maybe you should call him," Kate suggested. "He wouldn't take a call from me right now, I'm pretty sure."

"Damn straight," Lanie snapped back. "My guess is he finally had enough and decided not to come back at all."

Kate didn't respond, but secretly she feared that eventuality. She knew she had been pushing too hard over the last two weeks. She'd made him feel small and unimportant, and what's more, she did it on _purpose_. Now that she knew more about him, she felt guilty about it, and she wished she hadn't been so forceful. But even with what she knew, and all he had done for her, a rather large part of her still felt that she couldn't just give him her heart. Whether that was something resulting from her past or his, she didn't really know.

"Why did you do this now, Lanie?"

"Because, you are headed for a train wreck, Kate. When he leaves, you'll be hurt. Whether you want to admit it or not, you need that man in your life, and right now, you're doing your best to push him away. When the break comes it'll be painful, hard, and debilitating. You'll eventually realize what you could have had, and it'll be too late. This was the only way I saw that might be able to stop it from happening. I care for you, Kate. You're my best friend. But sometimes, you're an idiot. And as your best friend, it's my job to keep you from doing stupid things."

The two sat there in silence for several minutes before the doors opened up and Castle strode through with coffees in hand.

"Sorry it took so long, but there was a long line." He passed the coffees out to the two women, then sat back down in the chair he had vacated when he left.

Just when the awkward silence was about to get more awkward, Castle looked at Kate and asked, "Did you mean it?"

Kate cocked her head, "Mean what?"

"That you wish I would stop shadowing you."

This was it. She had another opportunity to push him away for good. She'd had one before when he'd looked into her mother's case, and she'd let him come back. What did she want now? Did she want to end their partnership?

"Because if you want me to," he continued, "I will. It'll hurt, but I'll leave it all behind if that's what you want." She could see how much it hurt him to say it, how much it was hurting him to offer her this out.

Kate hung her head, letting her hair cover her face. "I don't know…" she whispered.

Silence. Even with the sudden quiet of the morgue, Kate could almost hear Lanie seething. She could look at her best friend, she could look to see the frustration and anger that were sure to be displayed on the ME's face. She couldn't look at Castle either. She cursed her indecisiveness. It'd be so much easier if she could just tell him to leave and never come back, but she couldn't. Just like she couldn't ask him to stay.

For years, Kate Beckett lived in solitude. She would come to work each morning, find justice for those who deserved it, do her paperwork, and go home. She didn't date. She didn't go to clubs, even with her so-called friends. She lived in a very carefully crafted world of no feelings, and while she wouldn't have considered herself happy, she was content in her misery. Then Castle had shown up and ruined everything. She hated him for that at first, and even now hated him a little for it still. He had made her _want_ to feel again, _want_ to live again. And that was a problem because if she started to live again, she could be hurt again, and she never wanted to face the pain and desolation she had felt when her mother had been torn from her world.

Now here she was, torn. Torn between that very decision: live and risk or merely exist. She found that she couldn't make the choice. Her brain just froze up, and she honestly didn't know what she wanted. She couldn't admit to herself that she loved Castle, just like she wouldn't admit to herself that she even needed him or anyone. She was a coward, and she knew it.

She was brought out of her thoughts, when Castle broke the silence. "I'm going to go. I'm going to the Hamptons for the summer to finish the Nikki Heat contract. I'll call you in the fall. Maybe you'll have an answer by then. Goodbye, Detective. Lanie."

With that Castle walked out of the morgue, his shoulders hunched, defeat clearly written on his face. Part of Kate wanted to chase after him, but she didn't. The decision was too hard, and she was going to hide behind her walls. She was safer there, and she didn't have the strength to break free.

xxxx

 **a.n.2. I will likely continue this one if it gets a good enough response. What will Kate eventually decide? What will Demming's fate be? Those are questions that could be answered in a part two if I deem this one successful enough.**

 **Review if you want more.**


	11. 11 - Intervention Pt2

**a.n. By popular demand, this is the conclusion to ch10-Intervention. Thank you for the reviews!**

 **Disclaimer: Nope. Not even in a alternate universe do I own Castle.**

 **xxxx**

It had been two months, and Kate was sick of it. She missed him. She could admit that, at least to herself. It had been a terrible two months without him. First her relationship with Demming fell apart. With no reason to continue seeing him, no excuse to be with him, Kate broke it off.

Without Castle in her life, her moods deteriorated, and she started to withdraw back into the shell she had existed in before she had met him. She treated her team coldly, and drove them harder than ever. She snapped and yelled, and lost her temper more often than she had ever done before. It all came to a head three weeks after she had pushed Castle out of her life. They had been investigating a double murder, and had found a reasonably good suspect. While interrogating the man, Kate lost her temper and got violent.

Montgomery had suspended her for conduct unbecoming, and had warned her that she was likely facing a demotion at least. That had been five weeks before, and she still had another six weeks to go before she could even consider getting her badge and gun back, if they didn't end up letting her go completely.

Kate had spent much of her time off feeling sorry for herself and moping around her apartment. She blamed Castle for everything at first. She didn't understand why he affected her so badly. She didn't want him around, or at least that was what she told herself.

It wasn't until her dad had cornered her after several missed calls that Kate realized that it wasn't Castle at all. It was her fault. She'd been being selfish, thinking nothing of his feelings at all, and she felt extremely ashamed. During their entire partnership, it had always been all about her. She was the one putting the brakes on their relationship, and she had enjoyed doing it. In a way, she had been stringing him along. It was with that realization that Kate decided that she had to do something. She had to make the decision. Did she need him? Or did she need to let him go?

Six weeks after he had left, Kate was sitting in her bathtub, listening to soothing jazz and reading one of his books. Her body was covered in bubbles, basking in the warm water and the candles that lit the small en-suite bathroom of her apartment. She put the book down on the table beside the tub, and sighed in frustration. She was no closer to a decision than she had been six weeks before. She didn't know how she felt about him. She knew she felt something, but at the end of the day, she didn't know if she _wanted_ to feel anything for him.

She could admit that he was a good man, a great father, and had many redeeming qualities that she had previously denied. He had done a lot for her, and she appreciated it. But did that mean anything? Did it mean she wanted more from him that the often-times tumultuous friendship they had formed over the last year since she had taken him back?

Groaning, Kate lifted herself out of the tub and pulled the plug, allowing the water to drain. She had no answers, and she felt that she was running out of time.

xxxx

 _Two weeks later…_

He had called, just like he said he would. The problem was that she didn't answer. She had wanted to, had come close to doing so, but she hadn't. She still didn't know the answer to her own questions, and she couldn't talk to him until she was sure she knew what she wanted, and when he had called, she hadn't a clue what that was.

That had been a week before, and while she was still unsure, the day before had been a wake-up call for her. The department had issued their ruling on her 'incident', as she had taken to calling it, and it had, for once, gone in her favor. They'd left it at the 90-day suspension, and let her keep her detective first grade status, and her team-lead position. She would be on probation for the next year, but she felt she could live with that.

All she had to do was make it another couple weeks and she would get back to her desk and her job and her boys. She missed it all and she wanted it back. It was while she was thinking happily about her return to work that she realized something. Castle wouldn't be there. Castle was gone, and she hadn't fought to keep him.

It was that realization that made the decision for her. She finally let herself acknowledge that she needed him by her side. He was as much her partner as any cop could have been, and she needed her partner.

So she had called him. But he didn't answer. She waited a day, and called him again. Again, he didn't answer.

She gave up that avenue, and called Alexis. Alexis, while a little cold towards her, told Kate that Castle was still at their beach house in the Hamptons. Kate had asked for the address, and Alexis reluctantly gave it to her.

That was how she ended up standing on the doorstep of what could only be qualified as a mansion. The house stunned her, and though she half expected it, the size of the house was phenomenal. Kate had sat in her car for almost ten minutes before walking up to the front porch, just staring at the gargantuan dwelling. It came to her while she was staring at Castle's house, that he didn't need to be at her side. He _chose_ to be with her, no matter the danger, no matter how badly she treated him, he _chose_ her.

It shocked her to realize that she must mean a great deal to him if he chose to spend his time with her over spending time doing 'rich people' things. The realization hit her like a brick wall.

 _Castle loved her._

He must or why else would he stick around? Her biggest worry with him in regard to a relationship was his commitment, but he had already proven to her that he would stick by her side no matter what. How could she doubt his feelings for her?

Taking a deep breath, Kate knocked on the door. The revelation of his feelings had startled her, and had almost made her run back the way she had come. She hadn't ever let any man get that close to her before, not even before her mother had been killed. Love meant she could be hurt, and she couldn't stomach being hurt again.

She was brought out of her thoughts when the door in front of her opened up, revealing Castle on the other side. He was dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, something Kate had never seen him dressed in before. She liked the look. It made him seem more normal to her, more real.

"Beckett? What are you doing here?"

"Castle. Can…we talk?"

Castle looked over his shoulder into his house, then back at her. Was he not alone in there? Had he already moved on? Was she too late?

"Sure. Uh, just to warn you, it's a mess in here." He stepped back, opened the door further, and gestured her inside.

She smiled, "That's okay." He wasn't kidding. Kate paused when she found the whole room beyond the entryway filled with strings with sheets of paper hanging by clothes pins.

Castle, who had stayed behind to close the door, came up behind her and said, "Sorry, but it's kind of my process, and with multiple books to write it kinda got out of hand this time."

"Multiple books?" Kate questioned.

Rick nodded. "Yeah. I'm writing all three of the books that were left on the contract one right after the other. It…has been a challenge, but also kind of fun. I'll be sad to let Nikki go at the end." With that, he led her into the living room, which was located right off the entry hall. The lines filled with sheets of paper were strewn all over in a maze, which made it difficult for them to get to the couch, but eventually the two of them sat facing one another on the comfortable leather couch.

Kate had been almost sickened at the thought of him ending Nikki Heat, given what she had come to him to discuss, but quickly shoved the thoughts aside, and looked at her partner closely. It looked to her as if he had lost weight, and he had bags under his eyes, making her think he hadn't been sleeping that well.

"You wanted to talk," he prompted.

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Kate asked suddenly. She had expected him to be angry. She expected him to yell, throw her out, and tell her he never wanted to see her again. She had treated him so bad, she didn't understand why he looked almost happy to see her.

"Come on, Detective, when have you ever known me to get mad? Was I hurt? Yes, I thought we were at least friends, and I thought I contributed something to your team, but I always rebound. It'll take some time to get over you, but someday I will."

Kate blinked back tears. She didn't want him to get over her. Ever since he had opened the door, the feelings she had been denying for the last year had been swirling around in her, breaking free of the cage she had built especially for them. After realizing his feelings for her, it was much harder to deny that she returned those feelings. Kate looked down at her hands, which were entwined and laying on her lap, trying to hide the emotions that were trying to break free.

"Kate?"

She looked back up, blinking back a traitorous tear which had escaped. "I'm sorry, Castle. So damn sorry."

"Hey, no," he said, reaching out and putting a hand on her knee, "no apologies. Don't worry about it. Everyone gets sick of me eventually. It's my lot in life, apparently. I'm used to it. Kyra left when it got serious, Meredith and Gina cheated on me, so it isn't really surprising to me that this happened." Castle pulled his hand back then looked away.

"You love me," Kate whispered, stating a fact.

He hesitated. "Yes. I tried not to. God knows, you're the most maddening, challenging, extraordinary woman I've ever met, but I still tried not to. But you needn't worry about it. I've done as you've asked and stepped away. I called the captain and told him not to expect me around when you get back from your suspension, and I've said my goodbyes to the boys and Lanie."

He'd said his goodbyes. It felt to her like she was already too late, like in her indecision she had missed her chance.

 _No!_ She thought fiercely. She wasn't going to let him go now that she'd made her choice. She may still have fears, insecurities, but she wanted him in her life. She needed him in her life. She was falling in love with him, even if she wasn't ready to say the words out loud. She wanted a relationship with him, and she'd be damned if she was going to let her mistake, her damn stubbornness, ruin her chance.

But how? How could she get him back? She'd pushed him so far away he'd made his plans to eliminate her from his life. She studied his face as he stared at her, his expression changing from sadness to uncertainty.

"Rick, I…I don't want you to go. I... was wrong pushing you away. I'm so sorry for saying those things to you, so sorry for making you feel that way and hurting you. I…I'm so ashamed of myself," Kate paused and took a deep breath. "I've never been so cruel in my entire life, and I'm just so damn sorry."

Castle was silent for several minutes before he said, "What do you mean, you don't want me to go? I'm sorry, Kate, but I can't just come back and have it be the same as always. Maybe it is a good idea if we just agree to a clean break."

"No!" She shouted, getting frustrated. She stood up, wanting to pace, but realizing that the maze of strings and hanging papers prevented her from moving very far from her position. She spun to face him and said, "It won't be the same. I want…I want to…Dammit," she said, then lunged forward onto his lap, straddling his legs, and pressed her lips to his. She was done waiting, done making excuses, and since she couldn't say what she wanted in words, she would say it this way.

Words were overrated anyways.

xxxx

They were laying side by side on his bed, naked, sweaty and sated when the reality of what they had just done hit her. They had…well they had fucked, and hard. It was, if she thought about it, always going to end up like this. She knew what they had would be explosive, and awesome and fantastic, and wow, just a lot of adjectives.

"That was…amazing," they said at the same time.

She was still catching her breath and enjoying the feeling between her legs when Castle turned to her and asked her, "What does this mean, Kate? You've spent the last two years avoiding this. I don't want this to be just a one-time thing, that isn't what I want. What is it you want?"

"I want this, Castle. I'm sorry for taking so long. I know you love me. Just…just give me some time to catch up, okay?" She leaned forward and kissed him. She brought her hand up and cupped his cheek as she pulled away, "Don't doubt, Rick, that I care for you deeply, okay. I need you in my life, and I want to see where this goes." She smirked, "I'd say we need to take this slow, but it seems we skipped a few steps."

He laughed. "Yeah, I guess so."

"I just…Let's make sure we do this right, okay? God knows I've made enough mistakes when it comes to you, and I'll likely make more, but I want this, and I'll work for this. Is that enough for now?"

"Yes," he said, then kissed her again.

It wasn't perfect, it wasn't even all that romantic, but Kate didn't care. She'd made her choice. Her choice was Castle, and she had a feeling it always would be.

 **Fin.**

xxxx

 **a.n.2. So there you go. A little fluffier than I had originally planned. I had thought about having Gina open the door when Kate made her way to the Hamptons, but thought that it would then take the story too long to resolve and I wanted to end it as a two-shot.**

 **Reviews are awesome. Be awesome.**


	12. 12 - A Letter Goodbye

**a.n. This is an AU where they didn't decide to make it a fake separation. This will be the last season 8 separation arc fanfic I write. Honestly I doubt that Castle will be getting much of my attention until the end of the season. I'm going to finish** _ **A Second Chance**_ **then move to another fandom for a while.**

 **BEWARE THE ANGST…**

 **Disclaimer: HA! Nope.**

 **xxxx**

Kate hadn't seen Castle in more than three months. It had been a year since she had left him. Walked out on their marriage to keep him safe. It had been the hardest thing she had ever done, and even now a year later, she couldn't justify it. She wasn't any closer to solving the damn case. Not one lead in 12 damn months.

Castle had stopped coming into the precinct after she had moved the rest of her things out of the loft. It was like he had given up. That had been eight months ago. The last she saw him in person was at the annual fundraiser for the Orphan's and Widow's fund, which he gave money to each year. What had hurt the most was that she wasn't there as his wife, but as a representative of the NYPD. It was almost like she _wasn't_ his wife anymore. She knew it was her fault, but she needed him safe. He had been polite. He'd asked after her health and if she'd had any good cases lately, but he didn't ask her to come home. She wanted him to ask. She knew it was unfair, but if he had asked, she would have known that he at least _wanted_ her to come back.

One year after she had left him, she walked into the 12th precinct and stepped into her office and found an envelope sitting on her computer keyboard. The writing was his.

After she divested herself from her jacket, she sat down and opened the envelope with trembling hands. There were several papers inside, the top of which was a handwritten letter with her name at the top.

 _Kate,_

 _A year ago today you broke my heart. It wasn't the first time, of course, but it was the one that hurt the most. We've been married now for almost two years, but one of those you've spent living somewhere else. We were planning a family, remember? We wanted that happy ending. Or at least I thought WE did, maybe it was just me._

 _I've talked with Ryan, Espo and Lanie and not one of them can or would tell me what you've been doing. This would all be different if I could say I knew why you'd left our marriage, left me. At first I thought it had to be me. After all I've been married twice before. The only common denominator there is me. Maybe I just wasn't enough for anyone to love. But I found out something. You're working a case. I won't say how I found out, or even when. Suffice it to say, I'm not really that surprised._

 _I went and saw Bracken before he was killed. You know what he said? He said you were obsessed with your mother's case, and that now that it was solved you'd need to throw that obsession somewhere else. He said that you'd never be happy with_ just _being Mrs. Richard Castle. I tried hard not to think he was right, but now that I know at least some of what you've been doing behind my back for the last year, it's hard not to think that there might be some truth in that._

 _I think you left for some idiotic reason like keeping me safe. We've always been better and safer together. I helped you get away from a gunman with a wine bottle. I was there when Lockwood had you in his sights. I was there keeping you warm in that damn freezer. I was there when we fought to stay alive against a tiger. You are a damn great cop, Kate, but we were partners._

 _Even if you could justify leaving me behind, my question then becomes, 'for how long?' For how long will you be gone? How long will you need to keep me safe? Your mother's case took almost fourteen years to solve (and we only did that so quickly because we worked together). What happens when this new quest of yours drags on that long? Are you just expecting me to wait a decade and a half for you to finally realize that I'm still here waiting? I don't think so. It's been a year. I've had enough._

 _Enclosed you'll find divorce papers. It…it was so not what I wanted to do. I want you here. I want to have a family with you, but that isn't what you want apparently. You could have had the whole world, Kate. I'd have given it to you. We were on our way, but you walked out the door and shredded everything, EVERYTHING, we worked for during those first seven years. I find that as the days pass it becomes harder to envision a scenario where I can forgive you for ruining this. So I'm done, no matter how much it hurts._

 _I'm leaving you a generous settlement along with the loft. I don't need it anymore as I live elsewhere now. I know you were never in this for the money, but what I'm giving you should help._

 _This is for the best, I think. You can continue on your quest, your mission, and I can move on. I doubt that I'll ever try this again. You were it for me. I had finally found that one person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and it didn't work. No matter._

 _I loved you more than life itself. Some part of me will always love you, I expect. I wish you had loved me as much._

 _Goodbye,_

 _Richard Castle_

But she had. She had loved him as much. She just couldn't watch him die. Yet she knew she had made a mistake. That wasn't news to her. As she sat the letter and papers down on the desk, she cried. It wasn't the first time in the last year she had cried over her mistake. And it was likely that it wouldn't be the last.

It was over, and it was her fault. She'd ruined their _always_. She may have done so for good reasons, at least at first, but it didn't matter now. He was gone. Every time before when she had broken them he had been right there sitting beside her desk, waiting and willing to fix it with her. Now he wasn't, and no matter what way she looked at it, it was her fault.

It was over.

xxxx

 **a.n.2. Really not much of a story, but the letter wouldn't get out of my head. I despise everything about this season. Not so much the writing, but that they're doing the whole secrets and lies thing again. The one thing I hate about comic books is that it's always the same villain. Castle is doing the same thing, and I just…I need something new. They had so many ways to take this season. So many new things and scenarios they could have used, and what did they do? They gave us season 4 again, only amped up on steroids. It was good the first time around. I hate reruns.**

 **Anywhoo. This is my last rant about Castle. As I said, I'm going to finish up my only Castle multi-chap in the next week, then I'm taking a long break from this fandom. I need to get away from canon, from the Kate-Hate, and everything going on in the fandom right now, especially when I can't really add anything different to the mix.**

 **Reviews are amazing. Leave one.**


	13. 13 - Love and Marriage

**a.n. I'm writing this on Tumblr itself, so mistakes are likely. Who needs word?**

 **BTW: No Josh. Picture him getting jettisoned sometime after 3x13.**

 **Based on the prompt from CastleFanFicPrompts on Tumblr:** _ **On their way back from LA, their flight has an emergency layover in Vegas and Kate decides to take Royce's advice... and they come home married.**_

 **xxxx**

The amazing thing about modern day aeronautics is that for the most part at the end of the day, you get where you need to go. That doesn't mean things don't go wrong. Like severe turbulence causing damage to the wing on a flight from LAX to JFK.

For Kate and Castle, this meant an emergency stopover in Las Vegas of all places.

Usually when something goes wrong with a flight, things start to cascade and _everything_ starts to go wrong. Which for them meant that there wasn't another flight for them until the next morning.

"Come on, Kate, it's an adventure!" Castle enthused.

"I don't want an adventure, Castle," Kate snapped. "I want to go home. This has been a tiring trip, and I just want to crawl into my bed and sleep for a good 10 hours, then try to get back to normal."

"Where's the fun in that?" Castle pouted.

Kate rolled her eyes, and restarted her journey to the cab stand. They had decided that they needed to find a hotel for the night. Kate wasn't enamored with the idea of spending the night in the airport.

The settled on The Four Seasons as their hotel, thought it turned out to be just as expensive as more famous hotels like The Bellagio and The Luxor. She was surprised, however, that the rooms were comp-ed once the Concierge found out that Castle was THE Richard Castle. Kate had to grumble at that, but settled down once she saw their suite. Like in LA they had a two bedroom suite with a common sitting area. The room was beautiful, but also not as extravagant as she had expected.

She and Castle separated to look over their rooms. While pulling out some of her things from her overnight bag, she thought over the letter Royce had written her.

In all honesty it hadn't left her mind since she had read it the first time. It had taken all of her will power not to jump Castle in that hotel room in LA. She had hoped for some space so that she could think on her feelings. Now that wasn't going to happen for at least another day.

 _If only._

Kate sighed. She knew that she had strong feelings for her partner. She'd had these feelings for well over a year now, and had been trying to not have them for almost as long. After getting burned by Gina's appearance the summer before, she had vowed never again to let her heart be vulnerable to one Richard Castle.

But she had failed. She loved him, it was as simple as that. And Royce was right. Life was short. She had been reminded of that every single day since her mother had died in 1999. The question was, what should she do? She was scared, she knew that much. Despite his playboy persona being mostly a fictional mask that he was forced to wear, he still had a terrible history with women. But he was also loyal, loving, kind, sexy as hell, and an amazing father and son. He had been there for her when not many had stuck around.

She walked back out of her room and found him looking out of the fifth story window. The Four Seasons had views of the city of Las Vegas and the desert beyond.

"How many times have you been here, Caste?"

"To Vegas? Many times. Mostly for book signings, though I've been here for a few sci-fi conventions too. I don't like to gamble outside of my friends, so I avoid the casinos, but I like the shows and the restaurants."

"I'm surprised you've never gotten married here," Kate blurted out without thinking.

Not taking offense, Castle smirked, "No. Neither of my ex-wives would have settled for something as…mundane as a Las Vegas wedding. Even though I married Meredith because she was pregnant, she still wanted the fairy-tail, glitzy wedding. I should have known then that she was entirely not my type. When I had pictured my wedding, I had always pictured small and intimate, Neither of my weddings qualified as that."

"I'm sorry, Caste. I shouldn't have brought that up."

He shrugged. "It doesn't matter. I'll never try marriage again unless it's with the right person."

Kate so wanted that person to be her. Her fears had always held her back. She was a person of tremendous courage and empathy, but she had always been lacking with those traits when it came to her personal life. That was why it shocked her to hear her next words.

"Let's get married, Castle."

xxxx

She hadn't expected having to talk him into it. Hell, she didn't even know how she had talked herself into it. But she had. Deep down she knew that this had been inevitable ever since she had stepped foot into his book signing party. She also know that it felt right.

She had never been one to dawdle once she knew what she wanted. And she wanted Castle. Sure they had never really dated, or had sex, or even really kissed beyond that one time, but she loved him. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with him, even if that scared her.

It was insane. Of course it was.

That didn't seem to stop her, though.

"But…Kate you..,Kate you…" Castle sputtered. "Do you even love me?"

"Yes."

His eyes widened. "But we've never dated. And what about Josh?"

"Josh is history and had been for over two months. As for dating, we've really been doing that for years, don't you think? What is dating for? It's for getting to know each other. I think we're past that, right?"

"I…I guess, but this seems so unlike you. Don't you want your father and friends to be at your wedding?"

"Just because we get married here doesn't mean we can't do a real wedding some other time, but honestly I haven't been real close with my dad in years. I love him, no doubt, but our relationship has never really been repaired after his alcoholism. As for my friends, it doesn't bother me that much. Come on, Rick! What are you scared of?"

"Scared?" he huffed. "I'm scared of a third failure. I'm scared that we'll ruin a relationship by doing it this way. I'm worried I'll lose you. I love you too, Kate, you have to know that. And while it'd be a dream to be married to you, I don't want to do it this way and risk losing you forever."

Kate surged forward and kissed him hard. "That's so sweet, Rick, and just makes me want to marry you even more."

She could see his resistance breaking down, so she kissed him again, taking the opportunity to run her tongue along the seam of his mouth begging for entrance.

"Beckett… you don't play fair," Castle whined.

"Better get used to it, Mr. Castle."

"Oh?"

"Oh, yes. The rest of our lives is just around the corner. Now let's get married."

xxxx

She woke up when the sun hit her in the eyes. Groaning, she stretched and realized that her pillow not only moved but had hair on it. Grinning like a loon she realized that her head rested on Castle's chest. Castle's naked chest.

Her _husband's_ naked chest.

Despite the incredulity of what she had them do, the ring on her left ring finger did not scare her this morning. No. It made her happy. She was married to the love of her life. It had maybe taken her a little while to do it, but she would never have to look back and worry _if only._

On the bedside table a small, inconspicuous piece of parchment proclaimed that her life had changed radically. The marriage certificate, which proclaimed her as the newly minted Kate Castle was the marker for the rest of their lives.

It may have been crazy, but Kate knew she would never regret it for she would love and cherish him _always._


	14. 14 - Trust Me

**a.n. This may be the shortest thing ever written for Castle. But I found it on my drive and decided to post it. Enjoy.**

 **Post-Ep for 7x01 Driven. I hated that episode. It could have been sooo good, but instead of having a real villain, they had to make it seem like it was all Castle's fault. Castle's whole disappearance arc was terrible IMHO.**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Castle.**

 **oooXXXooo**

"You don't trust me enough to realize that I'd never do this to you, do you Kate?" Castle asked as they sat there on his bed. He had been thinking about this for hours. The more he thought, the more it bothered him.

She didn't answer for what seemed like several minutes. "I trust you, Castle, but the evidence…"

"

If it were you, instead of me, do you think for one minute that I'd believe you could do this? I don't understand," he said, pulling away from her, "I don't understand how you could think that I'd do this to you. And even if you think I could, do you really think that I'd do this to Alexis? You know me better than that, Kate, or at least I thought you did."

She wiped the tears on her cheeks away, "I know, Castle. I know. I don't know how to fix this."

"Yeah, well, I don't either. I can't make you trust me, Kate. I've trusted you through almost everything. Last year, when you were accused on murder, I believed in you. When you lied two years ago about a job offer, I forgave you and proposed. When you lied about that day in the cemetery, I forgave you. I've done nothing but put all of my effort into _us,_ and all I get in return is distrust and disbelief." He was angry now. He had no idea where this anger had come from, maybe it was from her being so untrusting, maybe it was from simply being overwhelmed by not being able to remember the last two months. Whatever it was, it was all coming out now.

"Castle, stop. Stop now. I do trust you. I know you didn't do this to us. There may have been some doubts in the back of my mind when I saw you on that tape, but I never gave up on you. I tried to find you for the last two months, giving it everything I had. You have to believe me that I didn't give up on us," she sobbed.

He sat back down next to her, but not touching her. He sighed and said, "I believe you, Kate. I think we'll be okay once we know what's going on. I wish I could remember. If only I could remember," he said, pulling at his hair, "then I could tell you what happened. How I got shot, where I've been, what I've been doing. I know you need answers, I do too, but you have to know that I'd never leave you. Not ever, and especially not like this. Can you believe that?"

"Yes, I believe that, Rick. I do."

"And why did this have to happen on our wedding day? Haven't we been through enough? Hasn't our relationship been put to the test enough, that we couldn't have at least that one day of happiness?" He scooted towards her and pulled her into his shoulder again. "I love you, Kate. I don't know how right now, but I want us to get to that day again. More than anything."

"I want that too. So much, Rick. So much."


End file.
